Sunday, May 29, 2005

White House continues to pressure Moses for a retraction

White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, recently stepped up the administration's efforts to get Moses to retract two unconfirmed commandments that have caused the deaths of millions of people over thousands of years of history. Though Moses first defiantly stood by his single unconformed source, said to be a high level official responsible for all the laws of nature except for the theory of evolution. Moses has since admitted that he only saw his source on top of Mount Sinai and the whole time the source was covered in a cloud of smoke.
"God had been a very reliable source in the past, except that time he sent Gabriel to tell Abraham to kill Isaac," said Aaron, a spokesman for Mosaic which like Al Gore claims to have helped create the World Wide Web. Aaron then excused himself to lobby for an 11th commandment "Thou shalt not spam or create adware. Thou shalt abandon Explorer and use Firefox or Opera."

"How credible is it when Moses himself admits to destroying his original set of tablets? It was obvious to anyone that the Times Roman font he used in the second set of tablets couldn't have existed in pre-Roman times," Mcllelan pointed out. "In Moses time, you could get away with that, but now we have the internet to catch this kind of thing. It just shows how much humanity has morally advanced from Moses. Moses's time as a prophet who can be taken seriously is clearly past."

Moses story, that God told him among other things that it was immoral to kill amd bear false witness have most recently set off a flurry of protests around the world against Bush administration policy.
Two weeks ago, Moses released the following statement.
" I know it was only a single source, but the source was God himself. I took notes of our conversation on two stone tablets. Before I came down from Mount Sinai with the tablets, I showed them to two high level Pentagon officials who looked over the story. One didn’t comment and the other commentted on a small point in the commandments about "Coveting another man’s house and manservant" being a clear condemnation of homosexuality in the armed forces. I was extremely careful. Unfortunately, God now won’t come forward to confirm that he himself dictated the commandments."
There have been several reports about millions of other people including members of the Jewish faith who have also claimed to have taken the commandments seriously, as well as the authors of Deuteronomy. Moses, however, admits, that there is no proof that the commandments he circulated were given him by God.
"If what Moses claims were true, it’s clear that you might as well flush US military policy over the last three years right down the toilet," McClellan said.
Although no charges are pending against Moses, "Even though he caused incredible harm to the US, this administration respects freedom of the press even in instances like this when that freedom is managed irresponsibly. We are disappointed in Moses and troubled by his lack of journalistic standards, but we do not, at this time, believe that he should do hard time or be deported back to Egypt," said one Pentagon spokesperson whose identity is being withheld here for national security reasons.
"Two confirmed sources should be the minimum for any responsible report unless you are reporting about WMD, Valerie Plame, the social security trust fund, or positive stories about Jessica Lynch or Pat Tillman," continued McClellan. "We want Moses to repudiate all the commandments to make it clear to the world that US policy is not in conflict with God’s will."
"Look at Watergate. It ruined the United States because Carl Woodward built a whole series from one uncomfirmed source, Deep Throat. We have to make sure that never happens again," added Karl Rove. "Our children’s future depends on it."
At his height, Moses was hailed as a prophet by three major religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It is unlikely that his reputation or his "reputed" commandments will recover any time soon. Two years ago, Moses also claimed to have talked to God through a burning Bush. The President formally denied this,"I have no recollection of burning one with Moses or anyone else, of course, I am no longer responsible for the first 35 years of my life."

In the mean time, Fox News has promised a new more accurate, fully confirmed by the White House, version of the commandments.

This publication was given an early version of two of them, 1. Thou shalt not kill except for purposes of national security. Thou also has a right to have an unlimited number of guns and God and the Government will have nothing to do with it.
2. Thou shalt not bear false witness unless it has been approved in advance by Karl Rove.
Early reports suggest that the Congress will be asked to confirm Fox’s new edition fo the commandments despite talks of a possible filibuster.



At 5/29/2005 03:41:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad you have finally got it right, chancelucky. Except that youforgot to mention that God gets kickbacks on particularly behemoth gun sales in the heartland of our US of A.


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