Friday, July 15, 2005

moonlighting for Dick Cheney from 2004 volleyblog

Sorry for the delay, I've been busy with my other project. They asked me to edit the Bible so that it's under a hundred words in the hopes that more Christians will actually read it rather than quote from it randomly. After that, I get to do the Oxford English dictionary. Apparently the OED is so long because an insane American surgeon wrote a good percentage of its entries; I figure Ashton Kutcher's English vocabulary is something like a hundred words and that was good enough for him to punk Bruce Willis into believing that he was going to be his children's stepfather. If that's too many, I can use Jessica Simpson's English, but I'm resisting that one because I like having different words for chicken and tuna. I'm also in negotiations to do the U.S. Constitution. The Vice President's staff has already approved my draft which is way condensed,
"We the people of the United States will do whatever the president wants to do as long as he promises to lower taxes for rich people."
They've signed off on the draft but we're arguing about a couple things. First, they say they won't pay me for two different projects because they argue that the Bible and the Constitution are really the same document. I tried to argue back by saying, "Is it Constitutional: see Bible is kind of a stretch."
They say, "No it's not, the founding fathers were all born again Christians who hated taxes and threw tea into Boston Harbor."

"But they were really more like Deists, products of the enlightenment and the age of reason."

"Look, I have to tell you that your skepticism is only going to encourage terrorists to attack America again. Do you think Jefferson would have questioned the Alien and Sedition Act, I mean the Patriot Act."

"Well this tax thing, doesn't Jesus say something about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven? and Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's?"

"That's what the gospels say, but you haven't seen Q. We rely on Q, the common source for all the gospels and the one true copy of the constitution."

"Can I get a copy."

"No, Justice Scalia has the only copy."

"Have you seen it?"

"Just when we went duck hunting. He shows some of it to Justice Thomas from time to time."

"Well, what was in it?"

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, that's Executive Privilige."

"Okay, but what about this thou shalt not kill thing and turning the other cheek? You know, God as compassionate conservator of the universe."

"You're free to have your own religious beliefs and we have ours. The constitution guarantees that."

"But aren't your policies more like Eye for an Eye, Tooth for a Tooth. And isn't that Hammurabic Code not the Bible?"

"I'm sorry, but Hammurabi has no place in any discussion of Iraq neither do the Crusades."

"And if the Bible condemns abortion, why does God command Abraham to kill his living son Isaac?"

"But Abraham doesn't wind up having to kill Isaac, God intervenes by saying he was just testing Abraham's faith."

"Isn't that part of what make Abraham so revered in Islam as well, his unquestioning obedience to God?"

"Look, there's no reason you can't say everything the Bible and the Constitution have to say that's truly important in just a hundred words. Besides, none of this has anything to do with volleyball, except that NCVA is a Halliburton subsidiary."

"Don't you think if there were a God, that Challengers 17's would have gotten an open bid?"

"Who cares. That Kyle guy whines like Al Gore. You can have a perfectly legitimate election without counting all the votes. You can have a perfectly good selection process without counting all the wins and losses. That's what equal protection is all about. Anyway, Kyle should read the book of Job."

I've come to like the vice president a good deal now that I understand him better and I do think he has a point about the Bible and the Constitution really being the same document. Think about this, three branches of government is like having a holy trinity. Ten Commandments is almost the same as having ten amendments to the Bill of Rights. The Constitution has a Supremacy clause, the Bible has a supreme being. The Constitution has strict constructionists and those who want to treat it as a living document. The Bible has fundamentalists and those who talk about the social historical context of both the gospels and the old testament. The Bible guarantees the right to keep an unlimited unregistered supply of assault weapons in your home as long as they are not weapons of mass destruction. The constitution prohibits the establishment of religion. Whoops, darn, thought I was on a roll there.

More Chancelucky Karl Rove Dick Cheney Adventures



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