Saturday, August 27, 2005

Theobertarianism pt. 2

I'm convinced that one reason that political debate in America has become increasingly circular and seemingly fact proof is that common words and phrases have completely different meanings for Theobertarians. I suppose I should leave the more technical analysis of this to someone like George Lakoff who is an actual linguist. Still, I've discovered that as I check in with right wing blogs, thanks to the Daou Report, I'm able to stay calmer when I recognize that we often exploit the cultural resonance of certain words and phrases the same way. It's just that we're not talking about the same thing. I believe though that it is possible to maneuver between these moving definitions of common terms without being Wittgenstein. btw, Does anyone out there know much of Wittgenstein's adventures as a primary school teacher? It sounds like it could be a great movie script for say Johnny Depp. World's most significant philosopher completes his thesis then takes post as idealistic primary school teacher in rural Austria. Whoops, didn't mean to wander off there. :} I've just determined that most of my hits come from passing mentin of things that aren't really on my website. I get many searches for pictures of Rachel Wacholder, the volleyball player, because I used her name once. I've gotten several searches for pictures of Danica Patrick. I figured if I slipped in a mention of "Johnny Depp" playing Wittgenstein maybe with an undressed Charlize Theron or Monica Belluci.

Theobertarian terms:

Environment: It may seem strange to some, but the current administration claims to be very environmentally conscious. It's not often mentioned that in the last 5 years, grasslands have greatly expanded in several otherwise dry western states often right in the middle of unfairly criticized new luxury housing developments. These grasslands possess certain unique characteristics. Holes appear roughly every 350 yards amid the shortest patches of grass and those holes always appear in multiples of 18.

Second, the administration has extended the grazing range of a succesor to that great symbol of frontier America, the buffalo. Herds of these new mechanical buffalo can be found during commute hours surrounding virtually every American city. They do not consume grass and only use a minimal amount of water. Now that they have casinos, American indians have been said to hunt for these neo-Buffaloes st dealerships across America.

A third ecosytem has flourished under Theobertarian rule, the gated community. Much like rainforests in the southern hemishpere, these fragile ecosystems are extremely sensitive to the introduction of non-native species and fauna. It is said that the introduction of the wrong kind of family can send property values in these communities tumbling overnight. Theobertarians help such laissez faire ecosystems flourish by manipulating the prime rate, controlling visits from outsiderss, and the use of a privatized system of park rangers known as security guards and off duty policemen who serve to protect this delicate and valuiable way of life.

Non Theobertarians have a difficult time appreciating the Theobertarian commitment to their environment because non-believers have different environmental priorities. Certainly ecosytems in America are far more important than say Kyoto, the Arctic, or even the ozone layer.

Theobertarians believe that education consists of giving children standardized tests every year. If enough students do well on these pen and paper tests, then everyone will be educated. It doesn't matter if schools cheat or do nothing but teach to the tests or if students never learn to solve real world problems or write anything other than a five paragraph essay. It certainly doesn't matter if the arts disappear. Even if schools and teachers don't have the resources necessary to help all their students or if the students themselves have no incentives to try. If students don't pass these tests, the schools will be punished and held up to ridicule for being incompetent regardless of what they actually did or tried. In Communist China, they called this policy 5 year plans or the Great Leap Forward, the reported results were often spectacular.
If you opposed the 5 year plan, you were then reeducated.

Some oppose this form of Education because it is Survival of the Fittest and everyone knows that you can't teach evolution in the schools. Actually, if you've read Darwin, he never says "survival of the fittest". It's really more about requisite variety and having traits that are suited to survival. For example, intelligent design may now have greater survival value for teachers than teaching actual science. Teachers who lack the requisite variety to be flexible enough to teach religion in biology class may soon find themselves out of jobs regardless of how their students do on tests. This is one reason that Theobertarians encourage prayer in public schools both for students and staff.

In the meantime, Theobertarians are helping to reduce the impact on public schools of this test often, test always policy, by sending more and more of their own children to private and sectarian schools.

I realize that this is unfair to define Theobertarian terms without offering my own definitions. I'll be dabbling with my own definitions of some of these terms in future installments. I'll also be adding to the Theobertarian dictionary. Words and phrases include sanctity of life, accountability, News, and executive privilege.



At 8/29/2005 06:39:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liked this even edgier dripping with irony like icicles section of the New Theobert Glossary even more than 1st set.

Grasslands sucked me in.

Now, unclad Charlize & Monica & Danica appeal more to the other gender of your readers than me, but I suppose I could retaliate with Clive Owens' eyebrows. All or any of Clive Owens smokes all the rest of malekind. (Just out of sociological interest, I have never heard of the Danica or Monica persons? New tennis players? I stopped watching tennis when they stopped wearing plain white clothes.)

Casinos & gambling are the Native Americans' revenge for the small-pox sodden blankets & the fire water. Gambling is the most dangerous & pernicious drug on the planet.


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