Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Kissing Toads (tv review) the Bachelor 9 episode 2

Once upon a time, in classic fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, a prince came across the sleeping heroine and awoke her with a kiss. So with an Italian-American Prince (no not Michael Corleone) in Lorenzo Borghese on board for the Bachelor Rome, reality-master Mike Fleiss delivered one of the great Bachelor moments in installment two. Our Reality Prince, who has a royal profile oddly similar to Prince Charles (may be a bit of truth to this inbreeding stuff), has a beach date with six lovely young bachelorettes. One bachelorette, Kim has too much vodka makes several on camera attractive noises, then falls asleep while waiting for the Prince to select her for one on one time.

The Prince comes upon our bikini clad Sleeping One Off Beauty and instead of sweetly kissing her back to consciousness in the style of the fairy tale, he chooses to tickle her face with the tip of his index finger. Our heroine awakes and she begins using language that I’ve never heard in any fairy tale. Midway through her tirade about “What the #$# wrong with taking a nap. Who the #$#* are you to &&#$ laugh at me instead of with me….” Kim, the aspiring princess from Southern California, who like Snow White has a day job in interior design, then realizes that she’s swearing in front of his highness, double takes, and rather impressively improvises with “Oh wow, I thought you were the waiter.”

The noble Prince, who in these modern times spends his working time serving his people by promoting a line of royally-endorsed pet spa products (I’m going to have to retire from reviewing reality tv if just reading the promo copy is going to keep being this much better than the things I come up with) exhibits admirably royal charm and politesse by telling her “It’s no big deal, same thing happened last week when I was at Buckingham Palace. I took a cocktail waitress from Paramus as my date. Nice girl, don’t remember her name, but nice girl just had a little too much champagne and threw up all over Prince Harry’s shoes.”

CL: “Wow, the queen invited you to the palace?”

LB: “ She has a lot of dogs and I sent her a year’s supply.”

CL: “I didn’t know she’s fond of dogs.”

LB: “Well she did ask me to ship it all to Prince Charles, something about it being Lady Camilla’s birthday.”

Sorry, back again. The political correctness police brought me in for questioning for some reason.
Speaking of PC, it’s a shame about modern times, if ever I’d seen an “Off with her head” moment, this was it. These days, all that happens is they don’t get an invitation to the ball in the form of a rose. If Lorenzo were an old-fashioned prince he’d have had prospective princess Kim taken to Guantanomo, water-boarded, denied a right to trial, then disappeared until she was ready for a show like “Marry My Dad”.

Okay, let’s be honest, the Bachelor’s been struggling ever since Oprah got involved with casting. At the Bachelor’s peak, America was choosing which shades of pink went best with Trista and Ryan’s wedding and people were ordering cases of Firestone wine by the truckload. After that, it’s been Bob Guiney conning Mary Delgado into the fantasy suite, Jesse Palmer connecting with Trish (the Terrell Owens of Bachelorettes) on the fly pattern then having to put her on waivers, going to bars with Jerry O’Connell’s brother as he discovered he really wanted to settle down, a recycled Jenn choosing herself instead of Dylan or Brandon (whoops wrong show), and the diplomatic but McDonald’s craving Doctor Travis Stork. The Bachelor franchise has been notably erratic for the last few years when it comes to delivering Fairy Tale endings. With a brief detour to Byron hooking Mary Delgado, the lack of actual romance on the show has been dealing it a lingering Nielsen death.

There were still great moments in those shows which may account for the fact that they keep rolling out new installments.

1) Meredith taking Bob to the cemetery to visit her recently deceased grandmother. My theory is she did this to prevent Bob from trying to stick his tongue down her throat again, but who knows.
2) Lanny’s mom explaining Christian family values to Meredith.
3) Meredith telling Matthew she wanted a ring.
4) Meredith discovering on her home visit that one of her choices happened to be unemployed and hadn’t mentioned it. (wow come to think of it Meredith was like a magnet for this stuff)
5) Tara’s dad doing an impromptu review of Bowling for Colombine with Jesse Palmer
6) Jesse telling a group dinner date that he was ready for romance on a reality show now that he’d had all like a thousand one night stands.
7) Sarah not B speculating that people discriminate against her because she’s too beautiful after being rejected by the less famous brother of the guy who played the fat kid in Stand By Me.
8) Susan informing Travis Stork on their first date that she’s a “Smitten Kitten”
9) Jenn dumping a shocked Jerry on a very special extra episode of the Bachelorette.
10) Learning that Krisily Kennedy’s grandmother is Rhode Island’s raunchier version of Doctor Ruth.

Fleiss going literal with the fairy tale part is a stroke of genius. Of course, the last time America got excited about a Prince getting married, Charles was marrying Diana, and we know too well what happened. With villa, helicopters, evening gowns, and the promise of romance an actual prince, Mike Fleiss alternates seamlessly between the sentimental and the sleazy. Lorenzo Borghese appears to be the perfectly cast for the Bachelor 9’s magical question, “Is this a fairy tale prince or is the one from Macchiavelli?”

One moment he’s telling Erica, the Paris Hilton DD wannabe, “I don’t prejudge people, it’s what’s in someone’s heart that matters,” and it makes you start seeing Lorenzo on the cover of one of those romance novels that usually have Fabio on them (whoops wrong show again, but that was the single best moment in Average Joe). Personally, I wonder if Erica is just some sort of plant rather than a real contestant. Later in the show, two of the ladies sneak into the prince’s bedroom, examine his underwear then jump into his bed. The noble prince discovers them, jumps onto the bed between them, and well I don’t remember any lap dances in those fairy tales. Of course, the damsels of choice in fairy tales haven’t generally spent their alone time with said prince letting him know that “she’s prepared to do it any time anywhere once they’re a couple” or inviting his highness to compare tattoos, “See your highness, I had your royal coat of arms tattooed on my left breast as a symbol of my devotion to the crown.”

The rest of the time, he wanders the show with a set speech that’s somewhere between Chauncey Gardiner and the current president, “Wow, I’m out with all these beautiful women. I’m a lucky guy.”

It’s not a bad speech, it’s just not all that princely, though keep in mind that this is a prince who makes his living on the home shopping network. If you happen to know the Borghese history, one of them became pope some five hundred years ago then appointed all of his relatives to positions of power within the church. As royal families go, the Borghese custom isn’t necessarily that they got where they got because they earned it. Of course, this guy is having a good time. If he hadn’t gotten cast by Mike Fleiss, he’d be out hawking dog booties with his sister. Come to think of it, if the prince were a dog, he’d look something like a greyhound.

Okay so there are 9 left:

Lisa, has gotten 2 roses and has already done the my marital clock is ticking in solo interview when the Prince says “you know I think it’s weird when people have a timeline for their personal lives,” she goes into the “Don’t you just hate people like that.”

Definite final 4 material.

Aghnese, I love the bilingual subplot. She kisses him on the lips after the guy says in their earlier meeting. “Tell me how to say in Italian -You’re a handsome dude even though you have no upper lip. I want to kiss you.”
She’s very pretty, but he acts like she’s the toad and he’s the princess. Great reality tv. She needs to stay to the final 4.

Erica, and you wonder how 60% of America still thinks Saddam had something to do with 9/11?
I’m pretty sure this is Trish in a blonde wig etc. “Hey, I’m a socialite, we always hop on the back of scooters and tell strange guys about everyone we’ve ever slept with.”
Do you think her Dad’s in practice with that doctor lady who told Travis that her eggs were rotting?

Jennifer, I think they’re selling her as the token normal one. Almost certain final 4 material as the nice girl.

Sadie, I like the whole virgin plotline. I think the show might go Da Vinci Code with this one. Perhaps they’ll have a date in the Vatican and be accosted by agents of Opus Dei.

Desiree, Now appearing at a gentleman’s club near you, the former almost Princess Desiree

Gina, Has he even spoken to this one?

Jami, she’ll hang in just so the show can dramatize the “Jami didn’t go to college thing." Fleiss can turn the story into a modern Cinderella with her, "Pretty Woman" was a huge hit.

Also I figure Lorenzo wants the ultimate fantasy date with Jami, Desiree, and a can of whipped cream all at the same time.

Jeanette, they could have slipped in a total stranger when she got her rose and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Btw, has any black or Asian person ever made it into the third week or gotten kissed on this show?

Somehow, happily ever after seems just as far away on this show as when we left everyone in Nashville.

Sirlinksalot bachelor stories

other Chancelucky reviews


At 10/15/2006 09:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read it and now am covered with slime and shame, but at least I didn't *watch* it!

I know it this stuff beats prozak for many in these baffling times of tyranny so happy wallow on you.

At 10/16/2006 12:32:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Okay, the Bachelor is a guilty pleasure. I know I shouldn't be watching it, but it's just so enticingly bizarre at times.


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