Tuesday, April 03, 2007

An Officer and a Bachelor (Bachelor Season 10 Andy Baldwin)

Pat Conroy's Great Santini Illustrated the Rewards of Military Marriage Celebrated on this Edition of the Bachelor

I know most people are howling about how Lindsay seemed to be miscast as a possible navy officer’s wife unless it was for another sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean, but I actually only place her second on the opening night party's weirdness scale. My personal favorite was Danielle L.’s brutal segue from “A palm reader told me that I’m fated to marry my third boyfriend and I just finished with the second one” to “the first one died and I started a charity in his name.”

Miss Illinois was sitting between them and she got so totally thrown off her game of telling Doctor-Officer Andy about how much she too cares about world peace that she didn't get her rose. Doctor-Andy with his fifty four ultra-white teeth was sitting on the adjacent couch and he actually managed to impress me by not stating the obvious, “So you’re telling me this because you want me to be your third boyfriend which means I’ll die from some weird disease too and you’ll start a charity in my name. And that’s why I should give you a rose now?”

Doctor-Officer rather politely shared a story about his own favorite uncle who passed away and inspired Doctor-Officer himself to raise money for charity. It occurs to me that miss yet another blonde in funny-looking gown had done a rather impressive amount of homework or she thinks life really is a Lifetime Network movie. It’s not enough to just let the people around you die with dignity while surrounded by love, you have to use it as a marketing vehicle for some charity. It’s the perfect marriage between capitalism and deep personal loss which I suppose is perfectly consistent with finding romance on a reality show.
As Keats wrote in his Ode to Reality Television- “Love is money and money love-That is all, ye know on earth and all ye need to know.”

In any case-Danielle L. got her rose. In the words of another great poet “Mission Accomplished.”

Fate turned out to be a major theme in the opening episode. Med Student Tina broke with racial stereotypes by greeting Doctor-Officer Pecs with a fortune cookie. She didn’t stop there though. Having concluded that she isn’t as pretty as the others (talk about a testament to the destructiveness of tv projections of beauty), she decides to use her private time to sing the National Anthem. She did preface the fact that she had spoken before the United Nations probably at the behest of John Bolton. Rather than pull a Simon Cowell, the Gentlemanly Officer sits there rather patiently and listens. Am I the only one who thought you’re supposed to stand during the Anthem? Perhaps appeals to patriotism work, she got a rose.

Fate struck a third time when sorority recruiter, Peyton (since she’s from Tennessee I briefly considered the possibility that she named herself for Petyon Manning) proved that old probability problem-twenty two people in a room and there’s a 50-50 chance that two have the same birthday. Btw, happy birthday Peyton and Andy.

In fact, the only sense I could make of Officer-Triathlete’s choices was that pretty much the only common thread was that these were the young women who found some way to make a “statement” with their first impression. Whether that was doing cartwheels and handsprings or baking the world’s worst looking birthday cake, it worked.
1) The only thing that didn’t work was challenging the guy to do pushups. Of course, Lawyer-Linda was already running up against the iron law of Bachelor world that seems to apply even with an Ironman Bachelor. She was both older than the bachelor and has a professional career. Half life for the daughters of Helen Reddy is probably three quarters of a rose. I did hope to hear Andy tell her “I just get lost looking into your eyes. They’re like limpid planets…”

2) Once again, the first rose bit seems to be the curse. Stephanie T. already provided the foreshadowing by committing that most unpardonable of Bachelor sins- she interrupts his private time with another young lady. That first rose needs to be black not red. Looking at her cleavage, I was wondering what kind of organ transplants the woman helps coordinate. Before that happened, I was actually convinced that Andy was going to give the first rose to Chris Harrison.

3) Almost all of the bachelorettes looked worse on tv than their publicity photos.

4) I was rooting for Blakeney. First, I could actually remember her name. Second, she made for a pretty dignified drunk if you ignore the falling off her bar stool part.

5) I liked the bit with Bevin showing off her battle scars even though the bit was stolen from Renee Russo’s scene in Lethal Weapon 3. It was a way more subtle way to get to Andy's apparent leg fetish (he confessed to it in a Cosmopolitan eligible bachelor type article in 2005) than Kate of the crotch-length dress.

I think it’s either her or Tiffany from Massachussetts who goes deep into the fantasy dates, maybe both of them. My wild guess right now is that Bevin gets the right to explore Hawaiian Community Property Laws once Andy goes into private practice.

6) Tessa got the closest to normal with the sweet story about meeting her future stepfather on the Inca Trail because he was kind, helpful, and rescued her mom and her in distress by giving them talking muffins. This means she’ll last maybe one more rose ceremony max. She has the ethnic thing going against her too.

7) Lindsay is yet another sign along with many of the crazier audition people on American Idol that network TV’s gotten over being politically correct about its African-American contestants. Perhaps next year, we’ll see her screaming at Ryan Secrest. When Lindsay said she was from Kansas (she’s actually a student at UNLV, quell shoque), she tells Andy that she’s a Duke fan anyway. Sadly, the producers cut out the part where Andy interrupts her by saying, "Oh yeah, I remember you we met once at a lacrosse team party there."

8) I was a bit surprised that they didn’t drop in a bachelorette who was at least in the Army Reserves or National Guard (at least it’s not apparent yet). Of course, all of them are being sent to Iraq right now to help with the increasingly successful surge. In the meantime, Andy Baldwin and Phil Stacy are hanging out on reality television. Maybe they’ll ask Andy Baldwin about the Veterans Administration?

There were pretty arty with the Pearl Harbor memorial instead of a direct reference to 9/11.

9) Whatever happened to courtships that start with playing ever so slightly hard to get. It used to work in the movies and America couldn’t get enough of those kind of romances. What’s with I’ll do some sort of circus act to get the guy’s attention?

10) Really interesting that they’re promising a marriage proposal at the end of this one. Travis showing up on a reality tv milk carton and Lorenzo turning out to be more in love with the Home Shopping Network than Jennifer must have forced the issue a bit.

Let the Bachelor Triathlon begin….I guess. Mmmm…..maybe I can recap Dancing with the Stars too, then I’ll have my own blogging triathlon. I did get to see Heather Mills do a front walkover in the midst of doing something called the Jive.

Sirlinksalot bachelor stories

other Chancelucky reviews



At 4/04/2007 12:26:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo! Your joke about the Duke Lacrosse team was priceless. Altogether a lovely, real-person, extremely well-written comment. And so funny.


At 4/04/2007 08:05:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...


thanks for reading and commenting. Our daughter went to UNC so we make Duke jokes from time to time. Last time I checked, I was still a real person.

At 4/04/2007 10:22:00 AM, Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

I'm sorry my comment is nothing to do with your post. I was just looking at your profile and I'm currently reading 100 Years of Solitude, and I had to mention that. :)

I'm just at the very beginning of it, though.

At 4/04/2007 11:02:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

no problem, glad you dropped by. Are you reading Marquez in Spanish or English?

At 4/04/2007 11:08:00 AM, Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Hah, you'd think, being Spanish and all, that I'd read it in Spanish, but then I'm lazy, and I am reading in English...

At 4/04/2007 02:04:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh JoyRUs that you're doing Bachelor. Perhaps because these contestants are grown-ups (if this twisted use of that word could concievably apply), you get to up the doses of acerbic acid & Vitamin I. (Vitamin Irony)

No punches pulled here -- it's muy yum. (My own palindrome by the way, muy yum.)

Perhaps there is more pleasantly unpleasant interaction amongst the contestants on Bachelor? There doesn't sound like there's much of that on Idol? The snark factor always sounds more venomous on Bachelor as you disscribe it. Reading about it actually makes my skin gallop -- which is the point of trash satire after all.

I mean where on Idol would you get a dead boyfriend with his own charity?

Dignified drunks, battle-scars, crotch-length dresses, singing the National Anthem on a date, muffins on the Inca Trail? Idol can't compete with this kind of dish.

Given that it's the South, Peyton probably comes from Mom's having read Peyton Place. Are there still people actually named Tiffany?

It's great. I haven't felt this culturally unclean since you did the last Bachelor. Yummy slumming. Thanks, CL!!

At 4/04/2007 04:29:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Thanks Mr Pogblog....
In sheer numbers though, there are about 1/3 as many Bachelor post readers as there are American Idol readers.

I thought Peyton Place was set in New Hampshire? And this is scary, but the moms of some of the women on the Bachelor would now be too young to remember even Peyton Place the tv show.

At 4/04/2007 05:48:00 PM, Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

I read Peyton Place in February, but I didn't see the movie. I'm 36.

At 4/04/2007 08:45:00 PM, Blogger benny06 said...

Phil should have gone home tonight on AI.

At 4/05/2007 01:12:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

I didn't realize anyone was still reading Peyton Place. That is a pretty strange combination, Peyton Place and a Hundred Years of Solitude. I assume that Peyton Place is in English :}

I suppose it doesn't matter that much whether someone is 9th or 7th, but I agree that I thought he was the weakest performer of the night. I assume that we're talking about American Idol rather than the BAchelor now.
If there was a Phil among the ladies on Monday, I must have missed her.

At 4/05/2007 06:44:00 AM, Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Chance, I don't even know why I picked up Peyton Place. Well, it wasn't even picking up - I put it ON HOLD at the library...I requested it! And then I read it (it wasn't bad, actually).

Since I'm currently sporting The Pregnant Brain I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything so it's a miracle that I even decided to try reading a Big Girl Book instead of just sticking to old copies of Reader's Die-gest magazine.


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