Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Powerpoint the Right Way (Another Karl Rove Adventure)

Karl Rove called me the other night to ask me another coding question.

CL: Karl, it’s two in the morning here. Are you just up really early again?

KR: Sorry CL, I sometimes forget that you sleep.

CL: Don’t we all sleep?

KR: Well, you know how people sometimes ask “How can you sleep at night?”

CL: As in if you do something unconscionable?

KR: I just don’t, haven’t in years. Don’t even try.

CL: Karl, just out of curiosity when’s the last time you looked at yourself in a mirror?

KR: Haven’t done that either in years. I have an intern who grooms me. You remember Jeff Gannon?

CL: Wow, I’d wondered what happened to the guy.

KR: Anyway, got another Power Point question for you. How do I get the numbers to fly in from the upper left corner with my red and blue pie charts.

CL: Okay, go to settings then click the mouse….

KR: Just so you know, my mouse only has a right button.

CL: What’s with all the Power Point presentations anyway?

KR: It’s just to help government employees do their job better. You know make sure your tax money is spent properly.

CL: But Karl what do you know about being Surgeon General, being in the Peace Corps, or being a diplomat? Your entire adult life, the only thing you’ve done is to be a campaign strategist.

KR: All jobs are political. I teach them that part of their job.

CL: But as deputy chief of staff to the president, you don’t work for the Republican Party, you work for the American people?

KR: That’s my point. There’s no difference between the two. Don’t you remember Sarah Taylor’s answers to Senator Leahy about her oath of allegiance.

CL: So the taxpayers pay you more than a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year to win elections for the Republican Party?

KR: You want to ask me why?

CL: You think?

KR: Remember, the last four letters of “Rebublican” are “I can.” It’s because I can.

CL: Mmmmm… if I give a “crat”.

KR: You know next week, I do a presentation for the Postal Service. We’ve targeted 38 districts where mail delivery of Democratic flyers will just happen to get lost.

CL: In parts of Iraq, they have hospitals where Sunnis get turned away for care just because they’re Sunnis, because Al Sadr was given control of the ministry of health.

KR: See, they’re learning how to become a democracy there. Isn’t it a shame that the media never reports this kind of progress.

CL: You’re right about that Karl. They haven’t reported that story much at all.

KR: No, they’re obsessed about this executive privilege business instead.

CL: Well, there is the small matter that “executive privilege” really isn’t in the constitution and we at the VRWC do claim to be strict constructionists.

KR: You’re being much too literal CL. The Constitution says whatever God or the President who listened to God intended it to say. You should know that.

CL: So, who else are you doing these Power Point presentations for?

KR: You promise not to tell anyone?

CL: I consider any crimes we discuss or commit together a matter subject to the protections of Executive Privilege.

KR: Well, I’ve got another one set up for the Supreme Court. Honestly, I don’t like doing those.

CL: Why not?

KR: When we get into the really weird stuff like why torture is good and why the President should be immune from prosecution for anything he does, Justices Scalia and Thomas start doing things underneath their robes. Honestly, it’s kind of creepy.

CL: Sad…. I blame it all on rap music lyrics, the Duke lacrosse team case, and the increase in welfare payments during the sixties.

KR: True enough. It’s so fun to have people not believing in science. They can’t make any sense out of cause and effect any longer….btw…You wouldn’t consider doing the Supreme Court Power Point for me next week. I’ve got this great slide about overruling Roe vs. Wade. It starts with this Blue background and then it washes Red as soon as the text comes up.

CL: I don’t know KR. I thought they were supposed to be looking at the Constitution not some power point presentation done in conjunction with the Republican National Committee. Just call me old fashioned, I guess.

KR: Wow, that is old-fashioned. No one’s done that since before Bush v. Gore. Wait until they hear a case on the Hatch Act, you'll get an even better idea of how they work now.

CL: So I suppose after the Supreme Court, you have another one lined up at the CIA.

KR: Why are you even asking if you already know my schedule? My power point presentations have worked really well at the Department of Homeland Security, why not the CIA? I know they still have a few bad apples there who don’t understand that post 9/11 politics require partisan intelligence reports, but most of those oafs are already on notice that they’re fair game.

CL: I feel safer already.

KR: If you really want to feel safe, you should help me with the one I’m doing in August for Al Qaeda of Iraq.

CL: Well, the President did mention them 45 times in his speech yesterday. I just didn’t realize that they were part of the Republican party or the government?

KR: It’s not well known, but for the last six years we’ve absolutely relied on them as part of our national political strategy. You remember the unknown terrorist video back in 2004?

CL: Excuse me for a second Karl. I think I’m going to be sick.

KR: No worries CL. The plumbers go back a long way with the Party. Have a good surge back there……My God CL are you okay? It sounds like you’re trying to flush a laptop down that toilet.

CL: Sorry Karl. I think I need to install a new operating system. This one is about to crash.

More Karl Rove adventures



At 7/27/2007 07:30:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In all Karl's vampireesquespitude of not seeing himself in the mirror, he says "I have an intern who grooms me," which may be the single funniest Us v. Karl line ever penned. Well done! CL.

I've heard he's never visited Gilroy . . .

At 7/30/2007 10:22:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Certainly, it does appear that Karl has never seen sunlight.

At 7/30/2007 04:33:00 PM, Blogger Elizabeth McQuern said...

Ha ha! The Power Point joke made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that.

At 7/30/2007 05:38:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Thanks Bella.

Next month, I get to write a speech for Karl's opening remarks for an Al Qaeda cocktail party. It should be interesting.


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