Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Attack of the 50 Foot Palin

I was away for a bit. My stepson was having brain surgery in Georgia (the state) and blogging fell to the bottom of my priority list for several days. The surgery went well by the way. That doesn't mean that I haven't been following the whole Sarah Palin story. In fact, there's so much about her that seems ripe for blogging that it was a bit frustrating to learn various bits which I would normally turn into some sort of post and then realize that I just didn't have the energy to write a flurry of stuff about it.

In the last couple days I have had the opportunity to watch the Charles Gibson interviews with the former mayor of Wasilla closely. I think the most shocking bit was at the end of 20/20 last night when Gibson had DeDe Meyers and a former Bush press person on and both suggested that Palin did okay because she still seemed so darn likeable even if she was a bit shaky and shallow with several of her answers. I guess one shouldn't compare running for national office with say brain surgery, but what the hell....

My stepson's surgery could have gone something like this....

SP: Hi, Mr.and Mrs. Chancelucky, I'm Doctor Palin the nyerosurgeon who'll be doing the procedure.

Mrs. CL whispers: Shouldn't a neurosurgeon know how to pronounce her own specialty?

CL: She's just a doctor dear, she's not a speech therapist. It's not like she's in charge of a bunch of newkular weapons or anything, besides she's nice looking and seems very sure of herself. She also has that cute Canadian Accent, you know like that sheriff in Fargo.

SP: Nothing to worry about, I worked in a clinic in the biggest air force base in America before this.

Mrs. CL: You know Doctor, I looked it up and it said that air force base is physically huge but only twenty people are stationed there.

SP: You're only questioning my experience because I'm a woman. You wouldn't do this, if I were male.

Mrs. CL: I'd do this for anyone who was going to be cutting open my son's head.

SP: I can't believe those vicious rumors that Dr. Obama is spreading to hurt my practice.

Mrs. CL: I'm not aware of Dr. Obama spreading any specific rumor about you.

SP: You didn't hear that he called me a pig?

Mrs. CL: He didn't. He said lipstick and pig while talking about economic policy.

SP: Obviously, any mention of lipstick is a reference to me. Have I ever belittled Dr. Obama in any way?

CL: So Dr. Palin can you tell us what techniques you use in an epilepsy surgery?

SP: What do you mean?

Mrs. CL: you know epilepsy surgery, it's the procedure you're about to do.

SP: What aspect of it are you talking about?

Mrs. CL: Most people who talk about epilepsy surgery mean a procedure where a part of the brain that isn't functioning properly gets excised either with a scalpel or a very precise vacuum to pre-empt future seizures.

SP: Well, I use the safest procedure possible. You know you can actually see Russia from my clinic. It's very important to be careful. I believe in doing what's right when it comes to surgery.

CL: See Dear, isn't she a nice Doctor....She even answered without blinking.

Mrs. CL: Doctor Palin, have you ever met another neurosurgeon?

SP: No, but I'm all about reform and change. Anyway, how many other neurosurgeons have met other neurosurgeons before they got elected.

Mrs. CL: mmmm....let's see Doctor Bush, the older one, had been ambassador to China. Dr. Mondale had been in the senate for many years...Dr. Cheney might be a little crazy, but he definitely had been to international conferences....Even Doctor Quayle had been at national conferences. You know, I'd say virtually all of them had.

SP: But none of them were female. You're just picking on me because I'm not male.

Mrs. CL: I have heard that you just had a severely disabled child and your teenage daughter is pregnant, yet you intend to do six surgeries a week for the next four years.

SP: There you go again. Of course I can handle it.

Mrs. CL: But what sort of parent purposely works 80 hours/week when they have those other priorities.

SP: I've handled it for the last two years.

Mrs. CL: Actually, your daughter got pregnant maybe because you were too busy and your son got addicted to oxycontin during that time you say you were handling it.

SP: How dare you question my family life? These things could happen to any family. I do what other Doctors before me have done. They just happen to be male.

Mrs. CL: I'm not aware of any neurosurgeons who had a four month old with Down Syndrome, a pregnant teenager, and three school-aged children still at home who kept practicing full time.

SP: It's God's will. Abraham Lincoln told me so, besides I understand how other people feel about abortion who don't necessarily agree with me. Did I mention that I'm all about reform and it's a bad idea for Iran to have nuclear weapons, but I'd never second guess Israel. Did I say that three times yet? I did say the head of Iran's name right twice, that's better than Dr. Bush could do 8 years ago.

CL: Gee, she seems so nice....and all those zingers about Doctor Obama.... We just have to have Doctor Palin cut our son's head open.

Mrs. CL: Do you mark the ears before you make incisions in that area?

SP: I'm against earmarks. I'm a national leader in opposing them.

Mrs. CL: I looked it up on the internet and you've done more earmarking than any other neurosurgeon in America.

SP: Well, there are good earmarks and bad ones. I'm just talking about the bad ones... You know the ones you try to hide.

CL: I believe you Dr. Palin....Did I tell you that I think you're much more attractive than Dr. Biden?

Mrs. CL: So you still do it?

SP: Of course, I do....It's part of my job isn't it?

Mrs. CL: Didn't you just tell me that you oppose them completely?

SP: I stopped the Bridge to Nowhere too.

Mrs. CL: Is that a part of the brain?

SP: Honestly, I don't know, but I'm all about change. You know all those neuros who malpractice. I've never done brain surgery before this.....I won't have any of their bad habits. All options have to stay on the table you know.

Mrs. CL: Didn't Doctor Carter say something like that?

SP: Who?

CL: But you do plan to change the practice of neurosurgery? Just tell us 3 things you plan to do.

SP: Well, I'm going to make it better. For one, I'm going to do something about the way they put people to sleep.

Mrs. CL: you mean anasthaesia?

SP: Whatever. I think there are just a lot ways to do it better and more efficiently.

Mrs. CL: Any ways in particular?

SP: What's the matter with you wife? She's asking all these unfair questions. Is it because I'm a woman?

Mrs. CL: Do you even know the difference between a general and a local?

SP: I think we should lower the cost too. I'll work to do that. I'm all about reforming the way we do surgery. I'm someone who makes change happen.

Doctor Palin leaves the room.

CL: Wow, so maybe she doesn't know everything, but I'm sure she'll get caught up before she actually does the surgery in two days. She seemed really energetic and nice. You know she never blinked.

Mrs. CL: If you put lipstick on a serial killer, she's still going to murder our kid. I'd rather have a pitbull operate on our child than this idiot.

CL: But she'll look nice doing it...Isn't that all that matters. Dr. McCain would never have referred us to her if he didn't think she knew enough would he? Besides, she's very popular with some folk around here.

Mrs. CL: you might have noticed that the people who want her to operate on them don't actually have brains of their own anymore.

CL: Well dear, as long as it's God's plan, why would we want a neurosurgeon who knows about the brain? Wouldn't you rather have someone who you could sit down and have a beer with? You know, "Drill, Drill, Drill" doesn't that make you feel safer already?



At 9/13/2008 08:26:00 PM, Blogger Marianne said...

I really needed to laugh, and this made me laugh. Thanks so much.

I'm glad your step-son had a successful operation. Must have been a stressful week for you as well.

At 9/14/2008 01:32:00 AM, Blogger benny06 said...

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your step-son.

Parody is spot on.

At 9/14/2008 09:54:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Thanks on both counts. I think the week was harder on Mrs. Chancelucky, but even when it goes well, surgery isn't fun.
It was very surreal to be watching that ABC interview and thinking about this other stuff.

thanks. The Saturday Night Live one I have linked in the article may be even more spot on.

At 9/14/2008 10:04:00 AM, Blogger Elizabeth McQuern said...

Wow! Best of luck to the stepson, and yes, Sarah Palin is utterly insane.

At 9/14/2008 10:33:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Thanks Bella,
I don't think Palin is insane, people who vote for her or the guy who picked her are insane. Unfortuantely, there seem to be a lot of them. There's disagreement about the issues and there's clearly not understanding them at all. That interview was the latter and the talking heads should be saying as much.

At 9/15/2008 04:38:00 PM, Blogger BeckEye said...

Best wishes to your stepson.

Sarah Palin is a rockstar now. It's just so ridiculous.

At 9/15/2008 04:55:00 PM, Blogger Gifted Typist said...

Well observed Chance. She really is the artful dodger. Sometimes the sharpest insights come in moments of great stress when your powers of observation are heightened.

And sometimes the insights just slam you over the head like a two-by-four.

Not sure if which was the case in this instances, but I'm very pleased to hear that you step-son is doing well

At 9/17/2008 12:12:00 AM, Blogger Marianne said...

She's not so artful. I thought her acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention was pure "amateur hour." McCain's people should have vetted the speech . . .

At 9/17/2008 10:59:00 PM, Blogger AHP said...

Good to hear about your step-son's surgery going well.

This post was hilarious and puts it in great perspective.

A good Republican is always an artful dodger. Talking about issues won't get them votes. And I did notice Sarah blinking when she answered whether she was ready to be president or not. That's a sign that she's lying. It's scary how people would rather vote for likeable people and people with supposed integrity rather than vote for competence.

Palin is likeable, but she doesn't seem to know what she'd be doing. Obama is also likeable, but he knows what he's talking about.

After this financial mess we're in, I vote for intelligence.

At 9/18/2008 02:36:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved the post, very visual title too.

Hope you stepson is better.


At 9/21/2008 06:13:00 AM, Blogger Dale said...

I'm so glad the surgery went well, that had to be worrying. As worrying as the 50 Foot Palin should be to everyone else. Why does everyone continue to focus on all the wrong things? Thank you for an excellent post. You didn't have time or energy? Oh yes you did.

At 9/25/2008 11:10:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

thanks to you and to everyone for the best wishes. He's now home and doing pretty well. It'll be a few months before we know whether it's actually helped matters, but the surgery had no side effects or complications.

The scariest aspect of the Sarah Palin phenomenon is just how genuinely serious our problems are and how she was anyone's idea of the "right person" to help with these kinds of problems. It's not the inexperience, it's the fact that she apears unable to understand basic aspects of foreign policy, economic issues, etc.

thanks....but being slammed over the head was what took us to Georgia in the first place :}

I just found the convention speech disturbingly mean. I literally got a bit sick listening and watching. People compare her to Dan Quayle, but I kept thinking Spiro Agnew and we know how that one ended.

I know that blinking may mean that, but I do think different people have different "tells"...Not as much was made of it, but I thought the scariest bit was her confusion about how entitlements work in the budget process.

thanks. My actual plan was to write this as a faux horror movie script, so the title was an artifact from that.

thanks. No, I've definitely been tired in the last couple months. The real world events I often blog about have gotten too frightening to let me concentrate on writing about them.
I spend a lot of the time going, "I can't believe this stuff is really happening" instead of pretending to say it then finding something semi-clever to say about it.


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