Bachelor 9 Episode 3 -Dancing With Your Sister (tv review)

Early in the third episode of the Bachelor Rome, I found myself wondering why not just go all the way?  No, I’m not talking about Sadie, who waited all of three shows to tell Prince Lorenzo that if he chose her she could gift him with the kind of seignurial privilege his family hadn’t seen in a good two or three centuries.  I’m thinking they should stop rearranging the deck chairs of ABC’s foundering reality flagship and really take a chance.  Why not the first reality television opera?  Come to think of it, it was the Marriage of Figaro that messed up that whole deal for noble males wanting to hit on their maidenly subjects without having to ask them out first.

They had it teed up.  There was Jami, the event planner from a small town in Texas winning a singing contest, a la American Idol.  Where Idol had Prince perform on its final show of the season, the Bachelor has  Prince Lorenzo.  I have to say though that Prince would make a more interesting Bachelor though I guess MTV covered that one in Flavor of Love.  I also have to say that none of the ladies sounded like candidates to cross over to Idol, now the much more popular reality show.  They stuffed Jami into Julia Roberts’s gown from the movie Pretty Woman, you know the red dress that signalled the shift from streetwalker to romantic.  On top of that, they even reenacted the jewelry scene from said movie.  The promos had asked “Which one of the ladies gets the two million dollar necklace and earrings?”  

I had imagined all this cool stuff a la Love or Money like do you want Prince Lorenzo or the rocks?  It would have been fun to see six women playing tug of war with the necklace while Erica assured the prince that she wasn’t there for a necklace.  But…No!!!!!

When they aired the actual episode, it became “Jami, it’s yours to wear until the end of the evening.”

It should have been poor Jami’s big clue. Pretty Woman was a take on  Cinderf’ingrella, as Laura San Giacomo’s character put it in that movie about how a prostitute can win the heart of a corporate raider.  Actually if you know anything about corporate raiders, they’re a step down for prostitutes even the ones who don’t happen to have a heart of gold.  For the most romantic evening of her life, Jami gets a dog spa magnate from the home shopping network, an opera house with no actual opera just a Vittorio Grigolo concert, and her date who makes faces at her for mentioning that her parents are divorced.

Owwwww!!!!

There was one other clue, as Vittorio’s tenor soared over an onstage string quartet.  A saxophone riff appeared in the background which suggests that Jami got the Ashlee Simpson version of a Vittorio Grigolo concert. Andrea Boccelli had a lot more fun when they did the original version of this on American Idol.  

Anyway, Jami’s American Idol Rome princess audition would have been a whole lot better as full blown opera.   Picture Jami singing a solo as she sashays in front of the other ladies in dress, gesturing with both hands to the necklace-Chris Harrison serving as all knowing narrator-a bassoon solo to mark Erica’s comic 4 bar interludes about the value of a college degree-Prince Lorenzo appearing on stage each time to a brass overture singing “I’m such a lucky man and you’re all so beautiful.”  After each sings over the dance scene about their differing experience of the evening,  the strings go atonal for a moment, and the Prince sings “It’s like dancing with my sister, but you’re so lovely.”

Jami then collapses hand over heart and the lyrics to her aria playing through the super-titles, the surviving bachelorettes appear around her to sing their chorus  “One more down. Don’t let me be next. We liked her. She was so nice.” A stagehand then drags Jami and suitcase offstage to end the scene.    

John Adams did Nixon in China as 20th century opera.  The documentarySpell bound at least inspired the Broadway musical, Putnam County Spelling Bee, why not really go Italian and make this the first great 21st century reality tv opera fusion, Il Bachelore?  

Can you imagine how much better Sadie’s wine tasting speech would have been had it been sung?  

“I’m saving myself for the right man.  I’m so serious about it I answered this casting call for a show with fantasy suites.”

Jeanette’s mysterious one on one time could have benefited from the right lighting with Lorenzo singing, “She’s so deep.  This was the perfect conversation. What did she say?”

And imagine Erica’s exit in the hands of the right stage director. “People of my station always want to marry peasants.  They want to be prince charming.”

So who’s left:

Lisa: Getting the bad edit which means that she’ll be around for several shows.  They had her mention the plan yet again then complain that a date with 5 other women wasn’t very romantic, and they had Desiree meta-commenting about Lisa’s sense of entitlement getting on her nerves.

Jeanette:  Jumped into the “good girl” role with her even if you’re a Prince, I’m not going to throw myself at any man bit.  

Desiree: Actually my favorite as she auditions for a place on late night ad rotations for the DVD, Bachelorettes Gone Wild.  Order now and you get a free can of rose-scented spray.

Agnessi:  She open-mouth kisses the guy with fireworks going on all around them. This show is really subtle.  

Jennifer:  “Why’d you become a teacher?  I really love kids.  Wow, that was such a great conversation.  I really feel like I know you know you now.  Here’s your rose.  

Sadie:  “Wow, there must have been a bunch of guys who wanted to hit that.  She must have real character.”  I think this means that if Sadie were homely, being a virgin would have been her fault, but I’m not sure.

I checked with a friend whose daughter just started at Emory in Atlanta.  As far as I can tell there were no Bachelor viewing parties in Erica’s honor there.  You know the bit in Average Joe where the babe puts on a fat suit to check out what the guys are really like?  The whole Erica thing’s got to be something like that.  She’s a spy for Doctor Phil or maybe Lorenzo’s sister.

Okay, I’ll write it in English but say it really slowly with an Italian accent so the producers of the Bachelor will understand me, “You want tv people will talk about again? Instead of a Rose, why not do the French Revolution thing instead, depose the bachelor, declare the bachelorette republic, seize the palace, and jam roses down Chris Harrison’s throat while telling him “Chris we have one rose left where do you want it?” then go out and find some guy who’s actually worth all this trouble.”


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