Pardon Exrpess (another Karl Rove Adventure)

"Caspar Weinberger, former Secretary of Defense, was a "pardon express" client even before new "justice inhibitors" were added to the formula. Caspar not only was spared indictment, there was no one to testify against a former vice president who happened to be president at the time."


I got the following e-mail on my non-VRWC e-mail address from my old friend Karl Rove.

To all the friends, associates, independent contractors, and anonymous benefactors of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy,

As many of you are aware due to events beyond our control practitioners of “political theater” and individuals who do not “support the troops” recently gained Congressional subpoena power through an antiquated but still legal process known as “democratic election”. While it’s not clear to us that they actually know how to use it, our friend the anonymous independent U.S. Senator from Connecticut has warned us that it may now be somewhat more difficult to lie, bribe, obstruct justice, or start needless wars for allegedly patriotic purposes. Just months ago, we were once in a position to award you the Medal of Freedom should you happen to get caught. Things have gotten so bad that some of you are even getting prison terms instead.

We may not take care of anyone else, but please be assured that VRWC takes care of its own. We are pleased to announce a new benefit for all those who work on behalf of the Conspiracy, Pardon Express.

What is it? How’s it work? Is it legal?

First off, Pardon Express is absolutely legal, it’s even expressly mentioned in Article II Section 2 of the Constitution,
The President shall have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, except in cases of impeachment.

While that “impeachment” bit at the end might bother some of you since you may be helping to cover up crimes that might get the president and others impeached, fear not. The pardon office runs through the Department of Justice which is still in the capable hands of Alberto Gonzales who has not yet admitted to any criminal misconduct that he can actually remember (remember this advice, if you shoot someone then go get really drunk right afterwards, it worked for Dick Cheney). The Attorney General has so much confidence in Pardon Express that he himself and most of his senior staff have already registered for it with VRWC productions.

Here’s how it works:

Let’s say you participate in a major crime on behalf of the VRWC like exposing the identity of an intelligence operative. Obviously, none of us would do such a thing unless her husband deserved it, but that’s neither here nor there. As all of you have the memo, I’m sure you know that I had nothing to do with anything like that and therefore am speaking purely hypothetically here.

Let’s say you just help cover it up then refuse to say who ordered it even though the person you work for is say the Vice President.

If some nosy prosecutor comes along and persuades yet another runaway jury to convict you, Pardon Express goes straight to work on your behalf. One day, the press might be talking about 30 months in Allenwood, by dinner time you’ll be hanging out with your family in some restaurant eating onion rings.

First off, even before you’re tried, you will have thousands of people brandishing talking points, polished by yours truly, that claim that you can’t be convicted of covering up a crime that wasn’t a crime in the first place. Should you by some miscarriage of partisan justice happen to be convicted, hundreds of Federal officials will send letters to the judge saying that the verdict was completely inconsistent with the VRWC member we’ve all known and loved. At the same time, thousands of others will send anonymous but oddly identical letters to the judge threatening his loved ones and calling him horrible names.

In the meantime, the Decider himself will be directing the Attorney General to process the forms before you can even have a mugshot posted on thesmokinggun.com. Best of all, the AG has proven his ability under oath to forget absolutely any embarrassing details of your pardon.

Pardon Express is so effective that those in the know are even calling this the “Perfect Crime”. Why? Well consider this. You obstruct justice, get convicted, never say a word, then have the original cover up compounded by the pardon itself. You go free and no one still knows a single stinking thing about whatever you obstructed in the first place.
Who says two wrongs can’t make a right winger?

Not only will you be out of jail, our rapid rewards system for frequent indictees will earn you a new job with terrific and technically legal stock options with another VRWC member company in a matter of months or until you fall off the front page whichever event comes later. Look at what happened to everyone involved in Iran Contra after they were pardoned by the first President Bush and that was a good fifteen years before Pardon Express's new justice inhibitor forumla. Talk about a family with a long tradition of respect for this particular rule of law!

What is it?-

Pardon Express doesn’t involve any intrusive memberships, delayed charges on your credit card or your criminal record, or nasty clean up. It’s your one stop solution to committing crimes on behalf of the VRWC with impunity. Think of Pardon Express as the ultimate form of single payer insurance. Even though the single payer happens to be the American public, it won’t be the first time we’ve stuck it to them.

All you have to do is help keep us in power. That’s it. There are no hidden clauses, no special obligations, no tricky “use by” dates. I'll even tell you what to do, as long as you never acknowledge that we ever discussed the matter.

What better endorsement of Pardon Express can I give than to tell you that I have several dozen of them already lined up for myself? It’s so good, I’ll swear on a stack of Bibles about it, assuming the claim of Executive Privilege doesn’t work :}. Accept no imitations or feeble guarantees of immunity; insist on Pardon Express. It’s the only part of the Constitution the right actually will defend for the next 18 months.

Rightfully yours,

Karl

PS. Please destroy all evidence of this message immediately. I’ve been having a little trouble with my e-mail lately.


CL’s notes:

I have to give Karl some credit here for a great idea. I’d been complaining that as an anti-union pro-globalization shop, VWRC hadn’t exactly had the greatest employment package. No minimum wage, no health benefits, no overtime. I don’t think there’s a single reputable employer in America that offers Pardon Express to all of its loyal employees. Yet again, Karl has shown me the truth of that old right wing adage, looking out for yourself occasionally trickles down instead of trickles on the rest of us.

In the meantime, I’m sending Karl that parking ticket I got at the Hartford airport when that deregulated airline lost our luggage.


More Karl Rove adventures

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