Mike Huckabee Delta Force

I got home last night and happened to turn on MSNBC just in time to catch Mike Huckabee’s victory speech after the Iowa caucuses. The governor was talking about how the president doesn’t lead, he serves. He went on to reference the founding fathers by quoting from the Declaration of Independence and talked about not hating those who oppose you but loving those behind you. Somewhere in there, he also managed to mention God a couple times. It wasn’t a bad victory speech. Where George Bush Jr. did a good job in 2000 of convincing or conning enough voters that he was indeed a compassionate conservative and someone with a history of working in bipartisan fashion, Huckabee is quite good at his lambs before the lions bit. I don’t know what to make of the fact that he thinks that God helps him shoot both the lambs and the lions, but you can’t have everything.

I did sort of wish Governor Huckabee had been at the San Francisco zoo a week ago. It would have been fascinating to see whether he brought out the hunting rifle or if he made like Daniel and lay down before it. Of course, this is the crux of the matter with Governor Huckabee. How can someone who seems so nice and sweet have views on so many topics that are so extreme? With Dick Cheney the answer’s simple enough-the guy is nuts. With Huckabee, I think that’s a possibility yet I want to believe there’s something more interesting happening. Back when it was George W. telling national audiences that he was the guy who believed in the ultimate civil right of being able to read good, there was always a kind of empty-eyed quality to it. The President has always had this wafer thin presence on television that made the story about implanting a black box in the back of his suit during the 2004 debates more than a little plausible. Maybe the people who make Republican right wing candidates found some ways to improve the firmware to make it all seem more lifelike and heartfelt. Maybe there is something different about this guy. Where Bush seemed to play Christian in order to serve the interests of big money, Huckabee may actually be sincere in his Christianity. In many ways, I find that even scarier. In the meantime he’s the most interesting show going on the red side.

As I continued to watch the Huckabee show, I did start looking for another floating cross in the background. Instead of a cross though, there was Walker Texas Ranger standing there the whole time right in frame. I think when you’ve been on tv for eight zillion episodes staying in the frame becomes sort of instinctive but Chuck Norris? Well it was Chuck Norris and an attractive blonde woman who I assume was either Mrs. Chuck Norris or the next Dana Perino for the Huckabee presidency. I’m just trying to connect a couple dots here. Hillary has Bill hanging out with her on the podium. Obama brings along Oprah. Is Chuck Norris going to be his Secretary of Defense? Does this explain why Governor Huckabee actually didn’t know anything about the National Intelligence Estimate less than six weeks ago (you know that minor document that let America know that the Iranians weren’t nearly as dangerous as the administration was claiming they were)? Is it because he’s being briefed by Mr. all the Great News from my heavily vetted visit to Iraq, Chuck Norris? I do think it would be cool though to have Chuck as Secretary of State maybe. Instead of meeting with the Iranians, he’d just put a bunch of karate moves on them and make them turn over all their enriched uranium. Perhaps too, he could go on a secret mission to Iraq and free everyone who’d ever been kidnapped by terrorists there. I live in California, I’ve had George Murphy as a senator, Ronald Reagan as a governor, and Arnold as my other governor. I’m used to these things. Still, Chuck Norris? Isn't that the sort of bit they'd do on South Park or the Simpsons to remind us how absurd it's all getting?

Apparently Chuck Norris is a very serious Christian. He endorses prayer in schools and the teaching of creationism. Obviously, I shouldn’t make so much of the fact that he mostly makes his living by solving all problems with his fists and feet. That’s just the movies. Judging someone’s politics based on the kind of movies he/she makes would be like voting for someone because you like the jokes he made on Jay Leno.

Okay, this is what I don’t get. I hear all these conservatives complaining bitterly about Democrats raising money in Hollywood and Oprah campaigning for Obama. What’s up with their down home-regular guy candidate hanging out with Chuck Norris and Jay Leno?


Bill Clinton, the other guy from Hope, Arkansas who made good, has a sort of grudging respect for his fellow Arkansas governor. He told Chris Matthews that he’s not surprised at all by Huckabee’s “surge” (I hate it when the media plays cute and mixes phrases associated with the war into its campaign coverage) because Huckabee is the only Republican who can make a speech and tell a joke. Clinton, as he generally is, is right. Huckabee plays the electric bass. He lost a hundred and ten pounds (who in America doesn’t love talking about diets?). He’s a Christian who doesn’t make God sound all that scary. Does it really matter that the guy knows little to nothing about foreign affairs and that he supports some strange things like not believing in evolution, abortion, or gay rights? After all, George W. Bush knew little to nothing about foreign affairs until 9/11 made him the expert on how to keep America safe.

Now that I’m done with the one week a year where Americans celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ along with Governor First Amendment Mike, is it fair to ask what this guy really thinks?

chancelucky