The Clothes from Nowhere (from the diary of Meth Palin)
(from the secret internet diary of Meth Palin)
It happened again with the magic clothes. Wouldn’t you know? I tried to warn mom and dad that it might be witchcraft, but ever since mom made that speech in St. Paul she’s been saying she’s not really a member of our church. Anyway, we came back to our suite at the Motel 6 (Mom says that even if the sign outside says Hyatt or Hilton, it’s a Motel 6. Good ordinary Alaskans like us don’t stay in fancy hotels. I didn’t know that Motel 6’s had thirty two stories though. Things are really different in the lower 48). It was right after breakfast where mom made another one of those boring speeches about good Americans and bad Americans and how Barack blows up buildings with his neighbors and his Muslim minister. I wasn’t listening that carefully, just like most of the crowd (I understand. It's really hard for them to eat, breathe through their mouths and listen at the same time). Besides they had my favorite there, American toast. You take a piece of bread and dip it in egg then you cook it and put maple syrup on it, yum…
Anyways, you betcha, it happened again. We open the door and there’s a pair of red heels with matching jacket from mom’s thrift shop, just sitting there on the bed. Mom says, “Ooh Todd, isn’t that great more magic clothes. I guess I won’t have to take Trig down to the thrift shop with me again.”
Dad wasn’t paying much attention. He was looking over a big stack of personnel files from the State of Alaska. It’s part of his job as first dude to make sure the confidential state matters stay in the family between snowmobile races. Mom, though, really wants to get Dad’s attention. She winks at him like three times. Bristol’s looking out the window. She really misses being able to look out her bedroom window and being able to see Vladimir Putin’s giant head. Bristol’s not throwing up as much as she was a week ago. I think she’s either getting used to being pregnant or Levi’s actually started returning her text messages. Mom keeps talking though.
“Todd, did you see that Ted Stevens is saying that jury completely cleared him? Can you imagine the nerve of those Republican old boys who I took on?”
“You’re such a maverick dear.” Dad’s not been very nice to her ever since that National Enquirer thing about mom having the affair with the snowmobile salesman. He’s been threatening to start going to Alaska Independent Party meetings again.
“Mom, what’s so odd about that. Didn’t the Alaska State Legislature clear you too?”
At first, I’m sure that Willow’s going to get in trouble for mentioning that report, but mom and dad don’t seem to mind this morning. Mom still thinks she can appoint herself to the senate on November 5th, no one’s told her that they changed the rules after Frank Murkowski appointed his own daughter to his own senate seat. It probably doesn’t matter what Willow asks. No one in this family ever answers questions directly. Mom and dad say it’s better that way. It’s part of learning to be accountable.
“Sarah, did you look at the paper this morning?”
“Of course Dear, I read all of them everyday.”
“Then you saw the article about the magic clothes?”
“Todd, you know we don’t believe in magic. We only believe in God.”
“It says they spent a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in two months on clothes and makeup for you, me, the kids, and even Levi.”
“That boy who came to the convention with us.”
“Todd, can’t you see that I’m writing a speech. I’m going to accuse Obama and Bill Ayers of killing three members of Jennifer Hudson’s family?”
“Mom, that’s ridiculous.”
“How’s it ridiculous. Jennifer Hudson was on American Idol and Bill Ayers hates anything American and so does Obama. Obama worked many years on Chicago’s southside as a community organizer. You know that’s all but the same thing as being a serial killer.”
“Obama was in Hawaii visiting his very ill grandmother over the weekend.”
“I’m not saying that he’s the one who pulled the trigger. It was probably that Muslim Reverend of his who planned it in their church. How can America trust anyone who goes to a church with beliefs that are that extreme?”
“Mom, about those magic clothes that keep appearing in our room. How come they’re always exactly in our sizes? And even I notice that they have designer labels on the inside and come in garment bags from Nieman Marcus and places like that?”
“Meth, I’m so proud of you for being observant. Isn’t home schooling just the greatest education?”
“Meth, you know your mother has never shopped in places like that. She even drove to Anchorage to go to Costco to meet Ivana Trump once. Does that sound like someone who shops at Nieman Marcus? Anyway, I know personally that she used to go to Alaska Indpendent Party meetings with me just wearing a sheet over her head and it wasn’t even a designer sheet.”
“Children, as you all know I had no idea about any of this. It’s the McCain campaign that’s trying to set me up. You know they won’t even let me write my own speeches or talk to reporters on my own. No wonder America doesn’t know about the Obama connection to the Hudson murders yet. I’m just going to have to set America right, by telling them that I’m going to put all the clothes on E-Bay after the election and that I never went to any of those stores personally and I had a wardrobe assistant doing all that instead just like any regular hockey mom I just never thought to ask her where the stuff was coming from or how much it cost. See what all these years of executive experience have taught me .”
“Mom, is it true that you could have saved two or three real hockey moms from foreclosure with the hundred and fifty thousand dollars?”
“Willow, as nice as it sounds, we couldn’t do something like that. That would be socialism. Just because I only make a hundred and thirty thousand dollars a year doesn’t mean that I can’t spend a hundred and fifty thousand dollars on clothes in two months. Democrats wear designer clothes too.”
“But, it doesn’t show up in their campaign expense reports.”
“And just why do you think that is. It’s the sexist media.”
“Or maybe they pay for that stuff on their own instead of having their publicly financed campaign do it?”
“I just love my family to pieces, you betcha…”
Mom then picked up a rifle, opened the window, and started shooting at wolves on the streets of Arlington. Apparently, the liberal media covered up that story too. Anyway, I’m sure the magic clothes were the product of witchcraft. If mom loses her election, I know that’ll be the reason. After all, she was sent by God to save this country and everyone knows that the Virgin Mary had no clue that the three wise men had bought those gifts from Sax Fifth Avenue when they came riding in on dinosaurs.
I gotta go. Mom's making me make another fifty thousand robocalls tonight.
Meth Palin twenty two, is the secret child of Sarah and Todd Palin, though her father sometimes says he’s not so sure about the latter part. Her parents love her every bit as much as their five other children, but as advocates of abstinence they haven’t wanted to set a bad example by acknowledging publicly that they had a child out of wedlock before Track was conceived seven months before their wedding. In the meantime, Meth stays invisible except for her secret internet diary which is reproduced exclusively on this website.