Chancelucky

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Jason Mesnick ATFR 9 (Bachelor 13 commentary)


Jason Mesnick as he prepared for his appearance on Bachelor 13-Jerry Springer Edition



A white-haired Chris Harrison ambulates his walker towards the couch and makes the introduction, “As some of you know, this show has been following Jason Mesnick, the 13th Bachelor (and why does that number seem so significant?) and his ongoing quest for love. Tonight, we have Jason, his now grown son Ty “stick” Mesnick, and Jason's sixth wife (he's been married eight times but two of them he married and divorced twice) Sophia Hogan and maybe a phone call from her mother Stephanie.”

The audience applauds. (cut to commercial for Depends) a note appears on screen. Phone call with Stephanie Hogan was cut after the sponsorship deal with cell phone company fell through.

Chris Harrison voiceover, “There have been seventy three seasons of the Bachelor at this point and twelve of the Bachelorette and we've had the pleasure of seeing three couples meet, fall in love, marry, and in one case raise a family together. We'll be checking in a bit later with Trista and Ryan Sutter who have some special news about how at age 62 Trista, our first Bachelorette, has found a way to have a ninth child through new technology from one of this show's sponsors.”

As the voiceover runs, a young man with a five o'clock shadow and a receding hairline sits on the couch across from Chris.

C: As many of you know, this was Bachelor 70, our first second generation Bachelor, Tyler “stick” Mesnick. How are you doing Ty?”

T: Yo, Chris

C: Ty, I now we're all anxious to talk to you tonight, but first let's took at the journey that got you to the couch.

(A montage of videos comes on from Ty's first appearances during Bachelorette 4 and Bachelor 13. A closeup of Deanna Pappas comes on)

T: Bitch!

C: For those of you who don't know, that was Bachelorette 4, Deanna Pappas, who last year was elected Governor of Idaho. Some are already saying that she's the next Sarah Palin.That's at least partly because they had to tell her where Idaho was before she filed for the primary, but Governor Pappas is the first Bachelorette to hold statewide office in America's first Reality-based state where all couples must marry based on the things they really want, not just the excitement.

(the montage moves on to Ty's Dad Jason's season)

T: I love you Melissa Rycroft! I'm sorry my Dad was a bastard. I still remember you. Baaah, Baaah.

C: As many of you know Melissa married a year after her appearance on the Bachelor and her son Mike recently became the first male Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. Melissa goes to every one of his games.

T: Ah-Ah Chooo! (laughs happily)

C: You remember Ty, as the Bachelor had one of the more unusual home visits when he brought his final two choices to meet his Mother Hillary then had a meeting with his father Jason and all five of his stepmothers. Before the final rose ceremony, as almost all of America knows, Jason Mesnick ran off with the young woman who Ty had chosen to be one of his final 2 choices, Sophia Hogan. Up to then, Bachelor fans had been looking forward to the possible first marriage of two second generation veterans of our show.

T: F*($##($* A)((*&le.

C: Let's take a look at how Ty found out. Because of the very emotional nature of that moment, our producers moved it to a closed set, though they televised it afterwards anyway. After they had a chance to edit it to heighten the drama in any way they could.

A videotape plays: A completely bald 350 pound Jason Mesnick in a bad golf outfit comes up in what appears to be the private dining room of a restaurant. Ty sits across from him.

J: Ty, you know I've always made decisions on what's best for us as a family.

T: Yeah, right Dad. You used me as a chick magnet for all seven marriages.

J: Would it be right for me to be unhappy?

T: Would it maybe be okay if you meant anything you said for a change? Like, when you tell anyone that you love them forever or that this is our new family....

J: I know you're hurt and I don't blame you. It hurts me almost as much.

T: Wow, that sure makes me feel good. I hope I start feeling unbearable, torture level pain, pain so extreme that even heroin doesn't take off the edge.

J: Remember way back when I was the Bachelor....I told America how much I loved Sophia and how special she was. How she made me want to be a better father. I even compared her to you.

T: Not really. Don't you remember, I was three years old at the time.

J: Well, it's just that I never stopped loving Sophia. I couldn't get her out of my mind.

T: Dad, this is sick. You're 28 years older than she is. I was dating her. You dated her mother.

J: Well, it's not like I ever really dated Stephanie. I mean there weren't any tents or fantasy suites. How many times have I told you that everything I did, I did for you, for our happiness.

T: Oh my God! Too much information. For twelve years, all the way through high school, kids used to play the youtube of you in the fantasy suite on their cell phones whenever I came in the room.

J: Son, I'm just following my heart. Can you blame me for following my heart?

C: Ty, what do you have to say to that?

T: It makes me want to kick his ass is what I have to say to that (Ty stands up and moves towards Jason) You know how embarrassing it was to have a dad who did the first crossover between the Bachelor and America's Biggest Loser?

J: (starts to giggle) This is so amazing!

Ty lands a punch to his father's face then completely loses control.

T: She was my girlfriend Dad. Sophia was my girlfriend......I don't care that you had a special bond....We had the greatest date at Lego Land together.

He begins to pummel his father until the producers interrupt for a Viagra commercial followed by a pain reliever ad.

Cut back: Chris is now on the couch with a very battered Jason Mesnick. Sophia Hogan Mesnick sits on the couch next to him.

C: Jason, we understand that out of love for your son, you're declining to press charges against Ty Stick.

J: That's right Chris.

C: (turns to audience) Isn't Jason a great guy?

Audience applauds loudly. Sophia Hogan Mesnick squeezes Jason. He winces then smiles.

S: Don't you just love this man? He had me from the moment he broke out that Lego condom on our first romantic date.

C: We did ask Ty to stay for this segment but he understandably declined the show's offer. He did send a note (actually written by our producers) wishing his father and Sophia, well.

J: Chris, you know what would be really great. My mother in law, Stephanie, is still single and she really thought Ty was amazing. You saw her during the home visit. She was so thrilled about him. I'm hoping when things settle down that maybe we can get my son and mother in law together. Maybe the four of us could double date.

C: So, you're not mad at Ty for beating you down on ATFR 8?

J: I understand that he's hurt. I just wish I could make him feel a little bit better. It really does break my heart to see him like that. He's always been just the greatest son. I can't count the number of women who fell for that whole single dad thing.

C: Wow. Sophia, how's it been for you. We thought on the show that you had real feelings for Ty Mesnick.

S: I did Chris. Every bit of it was real. I meant everything I said and it was all real. That's why I love Jason. He's so sincere, even when he breaks his most heartfelt promises.

The music cues up.

C: I know some out there think that some of the twists our stories take have been scripted. I assure you that's just not the case. But, we have a little surprise tonight.

An ankle with prominent varicose veins slips out from behind the screen stage right. You can see the hem of a purple dress.

C: America, you remember Molly Malaney!

J: Who?

C: Jason, you were together with her for almost four months. You remember, she was the woman you were dating before you declared your love for Jillian Harris during the last chance dates on her season as Bachelorette 5? Jillian spat in your face....

J: Actually, I don't Chris. I have a hard enough time remembering the ones I actually married.....

C: Jason, that's actually not that funny.

J: Just being real. This show was very good to me. I even wrote a rap song about it. Do you want to hear it?

S: It's so funny. He sang it for me on our first date in the blimp after the oysters.

The audience applauds even more loudly. A woman shouts “We love you Jason”

A dove drops out of the studio ceiling and lands at Jason's feet.

C: Jason, does that refresh your memory at all? You remember Naomi your fourth wife who you murdered while rock climbing because you were following your heart?

J: Naomi? I thought she was the one who wound up marrying Reality Steve.

C: That was Meagan Parris and you never married her. (clears his throat) We need to bring Molly on.

J: Sure, go ahead, whatever! You want to know who was the best in bed of all of my wives. It was that Natalie Getz. Shannon Bair was pretty good too, but that threesome with the dog was just a little too much. Oh yeah, that was until I followed my heart with Susie here. I mean Sophia. I'm so glad that I went on the Bachelorette all those years ago, you wouldn't believe how many times I scored just for that. You know I was on TV so much talking about Ty, I never actually stayed home with Ty at all. Maybe, that's what started the resentment thing?

A shriek is heard off stage and someone throws a putter at Jason's head from the general direction of the ankle and the purple dress.

C: Whoa!

J: Oh, that Molly! I always said she was a poor sport. Hey, Molly. You want me to draw a picture of you now! (evil laugh) I got a young one here. Wanna see! Don't be mad....Didn't you get my e-mail about how the producers made me do it?

The curtain falls with a giant sign that says “Mike Fleiss Productions: We put the reality in romance.”

Crosscut to a gray-haired Brad Womack doing a 360 on a snowboard while eating a sandwich and taking off his shirt.

Chris Harrison's blog

Buddy TV Bachelor page
Sirlinksalot
Bachelorette

Labels:

13 Comments:

At 3/05/2009 05:47:00 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

oh my gosh, that was the highlight of my day! Hilarious!

 
At 3/05/2009 08:34:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Thanks Alicia,
but your post says it's 5:47 in the morning. I hope it's an even better day that that :}

 
At 3/05/2009 09:05:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was hysterical... hysterical.. hysterical! Best Piece I've read since this season started!

 
At 3/05/2009 10:12:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Anonymous,
thanks, thanks, thanks.

 
At 3/05/2009 03:06:00 PM, Anonymous Kate lynn said...

I think the only reality that came out of that season is what you wrote today. Because as a "psychologist" J should KNOW the ramifications of dragging that poor little boy on the show. The family said it themselves when they said the Uncle was like a second father.
Honestly this is why I am glad that Jillian is the new Bachelorette, besides she was my favorite, is that their is no reason to bring J back on to claim that he "messed up". Messed up was what he did to Melissa. Jillian had more time to get over him.
Besides I could have honestly made a drinking game out of how many times he said "Amazing" and the amount of times he claimed to "love" two girls at the same time.. Added with the amount of times they said "this is real" or SOME version of that.
This was truly your greatest recap. Because along with the hints of reality it is absolutely possible. Especially the part about RS and Meagan.

 
At 3/05/2009 03:08:00 PM, Blogger BeckEye said...

I have absolutely no interest in this show, but I will say that I'd do Chris Harrison before ANY of the Bachelors. There's just something about him.

My word ver is "ackeyau," which is what I imagine my comment just made you say.

 
At 3/05/2009 05:11:00 PM, Blogger AbbyRose said...

LOL! Very funny!

 
At 3/05/2009 06:01:00 PM, Blogger Captain Barbarossa said...

(Bows repeatedly) Delicious Poison!

 
At 3/05/2009 06:48:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Kate Lynn,
I don't think Jason is a psychologist, just some guy who majored in psychology. I doubt that his dad's Bachelor experience will actually harm Ty (at least we all hope not)....Thanks for the "Amazing" comment :}

Beckeye,
Okay, I'll do some American Idol commentary soon (I have to say the music's not really thrilling me this year, not that it ever did)....but Chris Harrison? He does sort of fit your type, I guess.

Abby Rose,
thanks

Captain,
Please allow me to bow back. Seems like we've outraged ourselves into a corner here though. If we stay mad....what are we going to blog about? if we blog at all?

 
At 3/05/2009 07:06:00 PM, Anonymous Lessie said...

That was great. Im gald you think he is as big a douche as I do. TheBachelorSucks. com

 
At 3/05/2009 07:15:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was amazing!

 
At 3/05/2009 11:44:00 PM, Anonymous coffee said...

the Bachelor finale wasn't really that ground-breaking -- the guy just acted like a tool, the same as he did from the beginning.

 
At 3/06/2009 11:14:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Lessie,
I have to say, I think it's the producers who should be getting the bulk of the blame. Jason certainly has not fared well here, but it's really the show that pushes the participants then dramatizes it.

Anonymous,
Thanks for your amazing comment. I'm so excited that we've made this connection and....

Coffee,
I actually thought Jason seemed rather nice during most of the Deanna season. His own season, much less so, and that's why so many people were finding the actual season a bit odd and not all that fascinating to watch.
He wasn't doing much to get anyone to rot for him.

 

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