Another One Out the Door (Alberto Gonzales Resigns)

Okay, I'll bring it up. What do you think of the body language between the President and the First Lady in this photo?


I was sorry to hear about Alberto Gonzales’s resignation last Friday afternoon. With Karl Rove’s departure, I’d been looking for a new supervisor for my work with the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC) and this guy seemed like an almost ideal boss in some ways. After following his Congressional testimony, it was clear to me that he recalls almost nothing anyone does good or bad. In addition, imagine calling in sick on Monday morning when you really spent the weekend snowboarding in Tahoe or waterboarding in Guantanomo, “Hey Al, I understand my telling you I was sick yesterday was maybe a little misleading but I was really talking about that Monday morning and I didn’t say it was me who was sick.”

What was he going to do? If I gave him the same sort of excuses for being late with my work and not doing my job that he gave America, how could he have done anything about it? Even if he had given me a rough time, I could have told him, “Hey Al, so I lied. What you going to do about it? It’s not like you can torture me. Besides, you're not accusing me of doing anything criminal, so that means I should keep my job right?"

It’s all very sad. Those Democrats and I say this as one of them can be so partisan about things like transforming the Justice Department into Republican Party Campaign Headquarters. It’s not like there’s been any history of CREEPs in the Justice Department since John Mitchell. Isn’t it the Democrats who used to endorse affirmative action? Why are they so mad about our hiring and firing people based on say religious affiliation and loyalty to the Republican party instead of competence? I’m just so glad the VRWC is above partisanship. It was good of the President to point that out when he announced Al’s resignation. People often accuse the President of not being very bright, but clearly his understanding of what’s unproven but useful partisanship vs. what’s unhealthy partisanship is far more subtle than average minds like mine can comprehend.

Need I mention that Alberto Gonzales never took steroids and never shot dogs. What's America come to when someone like Alberto Gonzales who worked his way up from being the son of an immigrant worker who never completed elementary school rises to be Attroney General and is still expected to do his job? This was truly a sad day. Had he been the son of a former President of the United States and white, no one would expect him to do his job. Clearly, his critics were hypocritical racists.

If only Al had stuck around to prove how wrong that darned senate committee is with all those nasty things they’re saying about him and the Justice Department. I’m sure that once he recalled all those important decisions and meetings that he participated in, he would have set the record straight. To be honest, I was a little worried that a guy who wanted to spy on everybody can't seem to remember anything, but now that I've had a chance to think about it maybe it's better that way.

Speaking of straight, it hasn’t been easy to find jobs in the VRWC lately. A while ago, some senator tried to recruit me to work for him from under the divider in a restroom stall at Union Station. It shows you that you shouldn’t believe all the listings you see on Craig’s list.

In the meantime, it’s gotten harder and harder for me to find someone in the conspiracy to supervise me. Dick Cheney didn’t like the fact that I exposed his past as an international assassin. Don Rumsfeld said that I should never have mentioned that he completely lost track of 190,000 assault weapons that were supposed to go to Iraq. Duke Cunningham wanted me to pay him before I could work for him. Secretary of State Rice complains that I’ve never given her credit for improving U.S. relations with Iran. Even among the Republicans just running for President instead of just working for him, it’s been tough. Fred Thompson is letting people go instead of hiring them. Rudy Giuliani wanted me to explain how he was one of the 9/11 rescue workers even though most of them seem to be actively opposing his candidacy. I heard that when Michael Vick got his one phone call, he used it to telephone Mitt Romney.

In the meantime, I seem to be on special assignment for the next few weeks to explain how the Surge is working even if haven’t achieved any of the objectives it was originally supposed to achieve. I miss working for Karl.

Anyway, Mr. Attorney General, I'm sorry that I never got the chance to work for you directly. Of course, I can claim that I did and you probably couldn't tell. Besides, I'm actually better qualified than say Monica Goodling. How scary is that?

chancelucky