SWF Seeks SM With Webbed Foot Fetish (Bachelor 11 Episode 1)

Brad Womack courtesy of ABC


So what’s up with all the man-cleavage in the last three installments of the Bachelor? Yes, I realize that they don’t really aim this show at middle aged married males like myself, at least not the sort of middle-aged married males who don’t routinely bump shoes and reach under stall walls in airport bathrooms. Still, it’s weird to see more of Brad Womack’s chest than his personality in the first fifteen minutes of the show. Another reality check, it’s even weirder to hear Chris Harrison repeat “This may be the sexiest bachelor ever…” over and over again. I’m happy to know that Chris thinks that, but if he’s actually starting to think about the Bachelor in those terms I think he needs to move on to some second wave reality hosting gig like Dancing with American Idol Alumni, Reality Show Cast Swap, or Survivor-Mall of America Edition. I say this as a big fan of Chris Harrison. I still admire the way the guy can say "There's just one rose left" and still make it sound fresh.

Maybe they pay Ryan Seacrest more, but, Chris, please don’t emulate him at least not on this show. What next? “Brad, good to see you this morning and can I say you really smell nice. I also love the way that tie brings out the blue in your eyes there.”

Okay, this is awkward. I don’t know what would make someone the “sexiest bachelor ever.” My wife did think that this one is attractive. My daughter also reluctantly approved. He looks nice enough, he talks more than some of his predecessors, and he seems to have a way to support himself that doesn’t involve dog shampoo and the home shopping network. I just can’t speak personally to the sexy part. As an insecure middle-aged guy, I can't go there.

I would say that Brad is probably the whitest bachelor they’ve ever had. He’s blonde, has blue eyes, spent part of his childhood in a trailer, worked on an oil rig, calls himself an “entrepreneur”, and claims to be all about “family”. He also has a tendency to say “I can’t believe that I might be down on one knee proposing to someone in this room some time soon.”

Did this guy study what happens to the couples on this show? Did he see that photo of Andy Baldwin with Miss Iran? Come on, let’s be serious. You own four clubs/bars in the Austin area. You think maybe it might be good for business to go on the show? Btw. Yes I did argue that Andy and Tessa are just doing fine. My current theory is that Andy’s new assignment is with navy intelligence and he’s trying to determine how they manage to hold beauty pageants in a country that observes Islamic law. What next, Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad as Bachelor 12? “Yes, Chris Harrison, I am looking for a girl who’s a little crazy, happens to be a holocaust denier, and can score my country some enriched weapons grade uranium.”

Anyway, is it possible to be any whiter than Brad Womack? Did anyone for an instant think that Rigina, the brown sugar lady, had any kind of chance to score a rose? I know that this time the ladies knew nothing about the Bachelor pre-cocktail (now there’s a double entendre) party, but how long would it take to scope this guy out and figure, “Mmmmm, I’m thinking more Garth Brooks than Kanye West. This guy probably thinks that Blake Lewis is hip.”

Two of Brad’s bars are called the “Dizzy Rooster” and the “Chuggin’ Monkey”. Take a look at the websites. What are the odds that these places are fraternity/sorority havens? Well, if they feature your bar on the Real World, Austin, I’d say the chances of that are considerably better than say a Britney Spears-Justin Timberlake romantic reconciliation. Does anyone remember that Tom Cruise-Elizabeth Shue movie Cocktail? It does seem to me that Tom Cruise’s character did find his Katie Holmes at the end of that movie, so maybe this will work for Brad and in a few months we’ll see him jumping on Oprah’s couch telling us that she had him at “Can I steal a hug here? And I really look forward to getting to know you inside.”

Speaking of bars, I do have the feeling that when Melissa lost her non-surgical implants and then insisted on having her one on one time with the Bachelor on the rocks with a twist, Brad had seen that sort of thing before. I admired the way he put it, “She seemed more interested in what she was drinking than me.”

This does bring up one of the more interesting things about Brad. They’re clearly promoting him as the blue collar-regular guy made good Bachelor. After one Harvard guy and two doctors from Duke, they’ve slipped in a rose gifter who pointedly didn’t graduate college. It’s a nice change of pace. I just worry that the good ole boy savant thing is going to wear a little thin. If he starts making references to things his mama told him and how he’s a simple guy lookin’ for a “good” womin, I may have to stop watching.

Until that happens though, I’ll give this installment a chance.

Some quick thoughts:

1) Okay, when I was a teenager I did read the letters to the Penthouse Forum a few times and I remember that whole series of letters from the web-toed women fetishist. Have a nice waddle back to Arizona, Morgan Hoderman!

I’ve heard there’s an outtake of one of the ladies who saw the thing unfold who decided not to show Brad her feathers and atavistic tail. Wait till they do the obligatory hot tub scene and the guy finds out. Btw I did like having Chris ask Brad about some of the stranger behaviors at the party. There’s nothing like a good reaction shot on tv. Imagine if Desi Arnaz got royalties on that, his heirs would be richer than the Waltons.

2) Did he really give the first impression rose to Jenni Croft because she laughs at everything he says? You own four bars. You’re telling me you’ve never seen anyone do that?

I have to say that it’s not exactly a canny dating move to openly dare the Phoenix Suns dancer lady to do her routine in front of the guy. This is way different from Tauni showing him assets that maybe didn’t compare so well to the other ladies there. Basically, Michele, realtor from New Jersey, you don’t invite the other agent to show your client her hottest property listing.

3) When Mallory broke out the bikini was it her idea or did Mike Fleiss suggest it? Who knows and who cares? It made for good tv and to put it in perfectly crude guy terms, she happened to have what it takes to make the play work. No, Brad did not accept her invitation to take his pants off. Btw, that part had to be some producer's idea. I did notice, however, that the guy took off his shoes and socks, rolled up his pants, and got in the water. When I saw that, I didn’t doubt that she was getting at least one rose.

4) Was Juli the one who turned herself into a pretzel? I’m glad they’ve added some twists to the show. Hopefully this will at least get her a gig with Cirque de Soleil.


5) Deanna Pappas may have thought she was at an audition for My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. She did come off as quite normal in her one on one time and slipped in the my mother had cancer and died story very smoothly. I started to root for her until she tells Brad post-rose “It’s De Ahhhhna.”

Why do that in front of the camera and let yourself look pretentious?

6) “You’re hotter than a fire extinguisher” seemed like an odd line for a seasoned tv anchor like Jessica Kiss from Florida. I was also surprised to see that she let someone grab her pretend mike before she got to ask Brad her question. No wonder she didn’t get a rose. Didn’t she ever see Michelle Pfeiffer in Up Close and Personal?

7) I liked the idea of giving nurse Hillary Reisinger from Philadelphia a rose. Seriously, having a character named Hillary during an election year is a gift to any half-conscious blogger. If only there had also been a Condoleeza in the group too. They could have had a war break out among the bachelorettes and Condy could have engaged in expert diplomacy that resulted in the first reality television use of biological and nuclear weapons.

8) Lindsey MacClaren, the model, pulled off a smart move by turning the tables and giving Brad a yellow rose. I did sort of wonder how a yellow rose happened to show up at the party, but I’m sure the show has wranglers for that kind of thing. The singing however seemed to turn Brad into Simon Cowell.

9) When you exchange tongues not long after meeting that’s usually a sign of physical chemistry. Still, when Kristy Katzmann the accupuncturist from Illinois managed the feat, I don’t think that’s what most people had in mind. I should mention though that our dog who was sleeping next to the couch did suddenly get interested in the show and began to lick the screen.

10) Did he keep Solisa Shoop, the aesthetician from Georgetown, Texas, just because she was local? Perhaps, he figured she’d be a regular at one of his bars if he lets her stick around for a couple roses. Mrs. Chancelucky did not comment favorably on the way this woman seemed to be her own most frequent customer. btw is this the same woman? If so, I guess we have a reality show crossover star here.


11) About those previews. I look forward to the Medivac thing. I noticed that he did keep one nurse They did appear to be going heavy on the “B” factor this year. Season 10 was a huge ratings success because they got back some sense of romance, something they promised from the beginning. This one mostly seems to promise Brad’s evil twin. It’ll be really interesting to see which way this one turns. Maybe this installment, they’ll have a murder or something. Perhaps OJ can make a guest appearance.

To think, it was just a couple years ago, that ABC’s Monday night schedule was all about a football game. Now it’s Dancing with the Stars and the Bachelor whipping his shirt off and flexing between telling the camera that he just wants to find that one woman to settle down with. Whatever happened to primetime shows for the male dimwit demographic like the A Team and Baywatch (could it be that those viewers are all playing video games now or doing internet porn)? Maybe ABC could get them back with a hybrid show with say Howard Cosell and John Madden narrating future installments of the Bachelor?

“You see her confess to the guy that she’s been married before and has a seven year old?.....Let’s watch the replay on the telestrator. There she goes and Boooom! No rose for you lady.”

No way Howard Cosell says anything as stupid as “Well, you have more than a million dollars though?” then lets the guy say "yes" and go on to say something as absurd as “But, I’m on this show for one reason. I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t care about my money.”

And you think you’re going to find that on Reality TV?

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