Identity Theory (Bachelor 11 Review Brad Womack)

Wow, was that the most shocking identical twin cocktail party episode ever on the Bachelor or what? I suppose that’s just the sort of thing that happens when you have a guy whom even Circus ringmasters call the sexiest bachelor ever. Boy, what some people will do to find the best connection ever! That had to be the most superlatives of any Bachelor episode ever. Fwiw, it also had to be the most bitch-faced reaction shots on any Bachelor episode ever. Amazing, I tell you, just amazing, maybe the most amazing ever?

Okay, did you notice? That wasn’t me. It was my identical twin blogger, Lancechucky. He uses more semicolons than I do , talks a little differently, but somehow knows more about the bachelorettes and the show than I do. We're doing a homage to the Patty Duke Show. Anyway, those of you who didn’t notice right away that it wasn’t me, I’m kicking you to the curb. It’s obvious to me that you couldn’t have been paying enough attention to me if you couldn’t tell the difference between Chancelucky and Lancechucky. Anyone who really cares about me for me would know that I have a small patch of blonde hair underneath my right sidebar. That’s right, it’s all about me. I want to make sure that you know every single detail of me.

Do they like sell ersatz Bachelors for seventeen dollars on the sidewalks of New York? “Hey, lady, you want an Aaron Buerge? I can give you a great deal.”

“That’s not Aaron Buerge, it just looks like him.”

“Okay, okay, it’s not the real Aaron Buerge, but this one’s even better. It doesn’t look at other women. Look, if you buy my Aaron Buerge knockoff for twenty dollars, I can give you a free fake Jesse Palmer. That one comes with a bonus one way ticket to New York City.”

“Why don’t you throw in that fake Prince Lorenzo.”

“I would, but that’s the real Lorenzo Borghese. If you buy a case of dog shampoo, we throw him in to the deal.”

Good god, Brad! Do you want a stalker or a girlfriend? The issue is not whether or not they can tell the difference between you and your semi-identical twin brother. It’s whether or not, you can tell the ladies apart. On that circus date for instance, I was having trouble figuring out which brunette in a red dress was chatting you up at any particular moment. They started this installment with an interesting premise. Brad Womack was the hardship bachelor, the guy who had started wealthy, been poor, worked on an oil rig, and who then through hard work and spirit opened the Chuggin’ Monkey. This was the Bachelor goes Coyote Ugly.

So, where the hell is the inner Brad Womack? Does he say anything at all about himself, his values, or who he really is? If Chad Womack really were more physically identical, they could have put him on the show for a couple installments and most of us would never have known the difference. Btw, I thought Average Joe did the same routine better when they dressed the model-like woman up in a fat suit to test the guys. It was still good tv. I just thought they should have let Chad give a rose.

Speaking of potential stalkers, Brad didn’t score any points with me by giving Hillary Reisinger a rose on their one on one date. It’s possible that they gave the woman a Bevin Powers edit, but I watch enough Ben Stiller movies to know that any woman who goes from giggling hysterically to crying at any given moment isn’t a good bet to wind up with the guy at the end of the movie. I’m sure she’s different professionally, but if that’s the way she is in either the operating or the emergency room as a nurse, I’m going to Cuba with Michael Moore. Shortly after the what do you want bit where she says “I want to be crazy in love” then breaks into tears, any sane bachelor would be getting ready his “I really think you’re a terrific woman….” Speech.

Instead, Brad winds up giving the woman a rose and kissing her not very romantically after they talk about that candy-colored dandruff you stick on ice cream sundaes. Perhaps, he was afraid that if he didn’t give her the rose, she would have highjacked the plane back from San Francisco. Making the whole pity rose even more questionable, Mike Fleiss later indulges us with post-date sequences of Hillary, claws out, calling the other women names. I think we might have our villain for the season, unless it’s Jade.

Jade: Does she do anything other than say nasty things about the other women in any of the episodes?

Steffi: What name does she really go by? What happened to the whole Argentina angle? Was she the one who was telling Brad how much she admired her dad because he did triathlons? Didn’t they tell her that Andy was the last Bachelor?

Lindsey Maclaren: Why do women who have maybe spent two hours around the Bachelor start asking them detailed questions about weddings and engagements? I was hoping that Lindsey would surprise Brad back just before the rose ceremony by revealing that she too was an identical twin and then breaking out with Yellow Rose of Texas with a voice that even Simon Cowell would praise.

McCarten: I rather liked her comment about not needing a rose. “Some people need a net, some don’t.” The other bit about “Being herself” because it was the only self etc. may have been a bit beyond me but it did help extend the twin metaphor thing. I confess, I’ve only gotten a couple chapters in to that new philosophical tome, “Zen and the Art of Bachelorette Maintenance.”

Jenni Croft: She may be the first woman to get a first impression rose whose stock actually rose (pun intended) in the next couple shows. I’m surprised no one mentions the obvious. Trista Rehn was like Jenni Croft a Miami Heat dancer. Of course, Jenni got traded to the Phoenix Suns along with Gary Payton and a lifesized poster of Shaquille O’neal.
I did like her tumbling run at the circus. I also thought her, career over Bachelor love play was very smart. It let Brad know that she has a life, things she wants to do other than just being the girlfriend of a guy who owns four bars. She has priorities of her own, like shaking her body parts in front of fourteen thousand people forty one nights a year.

Solisa Shoop: When did stripping get so mainstream? I take it the woman was there for a couple episodes of comic and other forms of relief. I’m not an Andy Baldwin fan necessarily, but I can’t see Andy letting one of the women give him a lap dance on a sailboat. Mmmmm….maybe Gary Hart can get back into the national eye by being the Bachelor. How do I put this? There’s a bit of a Charley O’connell vibe coming off of Brad, instead of say Byron Velvick, Andy, or Travis Stork.

Deanna Pappas: You notice how Brad says her name right at least once each episode now. Okay, the big thing is that the preview had her saying she “hated” one of the other ladies. There was also the exchange with Hillary telling her “mile high” tall tale while Deanna listened in the pool. I’m pretty sure this was just to throw viewers off the scent. Just a guess, but they’re overselling the physical chemistry with Jenni and trying to plant some doubt around Deanna.

Kristy Katzmann: Her sailboat one on one time seemed surprisingly natural. She also scored major points with Brad by taking one look at Chad’s tongue and saying “Mmmmm…..your ch’i is very different, you’re not Brad.”
Actually, she didn’t say it that way, but if she had it would have been a major boost for her eastern healing business. That must be proof that she must be on the show for the right reasons. :}

Sheena Stewart: Every time her name comes up, I start humming “My baby takes the morning train.” How weird is that? Before they had mp3 players, some of us actually had to listen to the car radio and AM at that.

I liked the whole sequence with the wave runners and the shore patrol. I was hoping they would have cuffed her and taken her in. They could then have crosscut to the remaining ladies on the boat and had a couple of them saying,”Well, to be honest, I’m glad she’s going to be in jail for the rose ceremony.”

The big thing though was that she went from being pretty non-descript in the first two installments to a sudden contender because she knows the color of the hair under Brad Womack’s ears. Ordinary people might be a little creeped out by that, but not Brad.

Sarah: Every time she was on camera, I thought she was another one of the brunettes.

Bettina Bell: “I fell in love on the back of a wave runner”, yikes! What would have happened if they had put her on the back of Sheena’s wave runner? The two could have gotten a regular feature on the Ellen Degeneres show.

She finally confessed to having been married before. Did anyone notice that Bob Guiney was married before and the show treated it as an asset because it made Bob more sensitive and more serious about the process? When the Bachelorettes have been married before, Fleiss turns them into damaged goods.

Of all the “I’ve been married before” reveals on the show, I think Brad handled it the worst. First his immediate reaction made the woman feel even more uncomfortable and insecure. Second, he gives Kristi the rose for the date. Finally, he makes her wait to the end for her rose. Again, it might be editing, but he sure isn’t being very sensitive to the woman’s insecurity about the divorce thing. It made it almost look like he was enjoying torturing her.

In the meantime, I think Bettina comes off as one of the more genuine of the ladies in both senses. She’s honest, hasn’t been shown saying mean things about the others (there aren’t many of those left), and most of her body parts look like original equipment.

random thought:
I know we're not supposed to talk about serious issues in these recaps, not that it always stops me, but there's a disturbing recipe emerging on the show. For the last 4-5 installments the mix always includes one of the following.

1) bimbo slut
2) mean one who spends most of her time telling the camera catty things
3) delusional individual
4) emotional basket case
5) someone with a secret (child, divorce, parents who don't watch the show)

Sometimes, they make the final four like Trish. Sometimes they don't. I'm just not sure what it says about Mike Fleiss's beliefs about women. btw They often use the same casting mix in soap operas.

Until next week,
Lancechucky (the real one)

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