Tuesday, March 11, 2008

There's No Where There (Bachelor Where are they now special)

Susan Edds the smitten kitten from Travis Stork's season

I know he was one of the Bachelors, but do you actually know of anyone outside Missouri who wonders “Whatever happened to that renaissance man, Aaron Buerge?” Does anyone really care what became of Erica Rose as long as she stays off television? I followed that season very closely and I never saw a soul call her “Tierica”, fame-starved camera whore maybe, but no Tierica. Is there some village full of idiots somewhere who really consider Jesse Palmer and Jessica Bowlin at the Rose Bowl with the USC Marching Band a genuinely romantic moment? Doesn’t there have to be some minimal level of romance for it to be a romantic moment. I swear the actual romance has got to be at least a little bit beyond, I’m keeping the ring but here’s this one way ticket to New York City.

A few months ago, I was on an airplane that got maybe five channels off a Direct TV signal and I got stuck watching a Mouseketeers reunion. Clearly, there were only three Mouseketeers anyone cared about Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Xtina. They had a fair amount of footage, but mostly the where are they now consisted of interviews with just about every former Mouseketeer other than those three. I think they did get some time with Kerri Russell. A few of them were still in show business, but at the “Appearing Near a Dinner Theater” near you level. It was hard to tell which was sadder, this attempt at a reunion show or the “I hope this gets me back in the public eye” expression on grown mouseketeer faces.

Mostly the Bachelor’s “Where Are They Now?” special was sixty minutes of raising more questions than it answered. They started off with Jenni and Deanna. We learned that Jenni Croft was one of many surviving bachelorettes who either got engaged to or married a guy who was noticeably less “hot” (in physical terms) than the Bachelor. Of course after Brad Womack any male who could tell the truth more than fifty percent of the time probably looked way hotter than the “sexiest bachelor ever”. Deanna, to virtually no one’s surprise, got announced as the next Bachelorette on the Ellen Degeneres show. Even though it’s Ellen, I think the idea is that Deanna’s going to meet twenty five men.

In the meantime, they just glossed over the obvious question, “What the heck happened to/with Brad Womack?” Wouldn’t a serious where are they now show have at least told America that Brad Womack went back to this ex-girlfriend, but no one knows if that was before or after filming the show? Wouldn’t they also mention that he broke up with her too? They could at least have revealed that Brad Womack was in negotiations to be a spokesman for Viagra. “Yeah, I admit. Sometimes, even the sexiest bachelor ever has a difficult time handling a hard decision. That’s why I use….”

They then talked about Andy and Bevin’s separate fate, but somehow didn’t mention Tessa. For whatever reason, it didn’t seem interesting to ABC to explain what happened to so many of the end of the show relationships. There was Bob Guiney’s ultra annoying laugh, but where were Estella and Kelly Jo? Didn’t someone at ABC get the memo that whatever charm Bob Guiney has on screen disappeared well short of his fifteen minutes? Did it seem like way too many former bachelorettes went on to careers on local medium market television stations in non-anchor roles? So where were Charley and Sarah? What happened to Sadie and Jennifer from Prince Lorenzo’s season? No, he wasn’t a favorite, but Lorenzo doesn’t compare to Brad Womack as the worst Bachelor ever. For one thing, he’s not a liar (I’m not even having a cup of coffee with another woman) or someone whose “pal” has to defend him on message boards. Of course, there’s the biggest one of all. What the heck happened between Byron and Mary?

I do understand that Fleiss thinks Trista and Ryan are the franchise, but four hours of baby Max highlights was a bit extreme. It’s at least seventeen years until Max can be the Bachelor maybe with the offspring of that now weirdly middle-aged looking bachelorette who lives in a modest house in Boise with her dog and maybe some of the nieces and daughters of the genuinely interesting Bachelorettes The Next Generation who likely didn’t consent to appear on this show. Tina Fabulous, Mandy Clemens, Krisily Kennedy, Jesse the lawyer from Texas who was in Miss Congeniality, the single mom from Charley’s season, Tina Wu,Tara Huckabee and her AK47 dad, Danielle from Andy’s season, Bettina Bell, or say Meredith Phillips. At least they could have had Kate Brockhouse on to talk about her blog.

Did it look to you like Trish got engaged to the same guy who married Kristin Davis’s character in Sex in the City? It sounded to me like he works as a ticket agent for an airlines or maybe as a tour guide. Trish as the stepmother to three kids might actually make for a good sitcom. All these mean bachelorettes could show up and keep trying to turn her in to Child protective services.

And how about those highlights for Bachelor 12? It looked like the champagne room of a strip club tied to a bunch of photoshoots from romantic weekend travel brochures. Of course, the English get a whole different set of images when people mention the War of the Roses. I think the basic idea is that America is getting into such severe economic straits that we’re now selling off our women on reality tv to wealthy foreigners. I don’t think that’s all that romantic unless you used to be the governor of New York. Still, you never know.
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