Deannica Pappas (Bachelorette 4 Round of 9)

Wow, you want the faq on how not to get a rose? Robert Fair might not know the recipe for love, but he sure knew how to cook his own goose. Where do we start? Yes, the other guys were doing the frat boy thing by hazing Robert and Fred at the afternoon cookout/pre 2 on 1 date with Deanna. No, you don’t throw your apron up the hillside, go sulk in the bunk house, or throw a fit because the guys called you Bobbie. I know that it may be some residue from the fact that you can’t hit a baseball, but let’s be real. You were sulking because while the rest of the guys there scored points by taking their shirts off for the Bachelorette, you weren’t one of them.

I mean, you ‘ve been watching the way she’s sidled up to Graham Bunn and how she keeps buying lapdances from Jeremy Anderson. Yeah, I know, no one else can understand what Blaine Twilley is still doing on the show, but you were absolutely right about that top three thing – you didn’t have a chance. I suppose it gets you even madder that Jesse Csinksak, the midget snowboarder, is getting his chance, but there’s a guy who's a serious operator. Did you see him segue into the rose talk on that one on one date? He also figured out that the songwriting contest really wasn’t about the singing or even the songwriting. You, however, might fancy yourself as a ladies man, but in the words of Ron Mayer “You’re seriously lacking something my friend.”

Okay, so where do we start? If you’re just sitting down on the couch to talk to a lady, you don’t ask to kiss her right away. If she only lets you kiss her on the cheek, it’s also definitely not a sign that there’s a real connection developing. Sorry, Mr. Passion go back to the little boy’s table. Even worse, if a lady asks you what’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done on a date, you’re not supposed to have an answer right away and the object is definitely not to blow her away with an elaborate story about another woman. Dude, it’s a trick question!

So, what do you do oh Master Chef. First you mention an ex-fiancee maybe for the first time, then you launch into what appeared to be a half hour long story that sounds like the corniest possible fantasy date from the Bachelor (rose petals, helicopters). You then top it off with, “It took me six and a half months to pay it off”.

What was wrong with this? Well, there’s the talking about old girlfriends rule. Second, there’s the fact that you made it clear that you were still way into her. Third, Deanna said she’s looking for a husband and so you basically confessed that you can’t make sensible money management decisions. If you want to blow six months income, do it on the engagement ring or the wedding.

Anyway, it was pretty funny when Deanna does “Well, Bobbie…I gotta say good bye right here, really nice knowing you.”

Let’s back up here….Years ago, I had a guy friend who went to culinary school. He insisted that it was maybe the easiest place to um get approached by women that he’d ever seen. First food is a very sensual activity and most of the other students are female. Anyway he was an attractive enough fellow but no male model (somewhere between Fred and Sean) and he said that they were literally appearing in his bed and surprising him at times in the dorm. Anyway if that’s the case, what’s Robert doing on a dating show. There was a guy near me (never met him) who runs a local micro-brewery pub place who went on Meredith’s show. He got it. You go on the show so America knows about your business (see Brad Womack). You may have noticed that ole Robert had the chance to do the steaks at the cookout and left Fred to be the “good guy”. In other words, he missed his chance to have all those bare-shirted guys say things like “Bobbie might be a dork, but he sure can cook.”

There have been any number of folks who did something borderline psychotic or simply idiotic on the Bachelor which probably led to not getting a rose. I’ve never seen anyone step in it more than Robert without doing something psycho, say like Trish or Lee Anne (Bob’s season). If he really wanted to find someone to date, he should at least have gone on Top Chef. Instead, I’m wondering would I eat at this guy’s restaurant? (occasionally Deanna Pappas does have a sort of Catherine Zeta Jones thing going “Without Reservations”)) Kind of like I’m wondering would I really want Ron Mayer holding a razor to my neck? Robert’s fall from grace from getting an early rose last week to the cold shoulder or was it cheek was just great tv.

I do think they’ve overhauled the writing for the Bachelorette and that’s been a good thing. While the choosees have occasionally been a bit loony, the Bachelor or Bachelorette generally stays calm and polite on the surface. Regardless of what happens, the Bachelor usually says things like “Don’t worry about it, anyone can pass out drunk on a group date at the beach. It’s just that I had a stronger connection with the other ladies” or “It’s not that big a deal that everyone in the house hates you. You’ve always been wonderful around me. It’s just that I’m contractually obligated to pick Shayne.”

Anyway, I thought it was really cool that Deanna went into full PMS mode. “What’s the matter with you guys? You’re supposed to be getting to know me, not trying to avoid me. I’m the f’ing Bachelorette. I was led on by that scumbag, don’t you think I know what you’re all going through? I’m going back to the house.”

I also really liked the whole kiss bit with Graham Bunn where he’s pulled off his sweat-soaked flame-retardant suit and Deanna “time to kiss me” to which Graham replies “I don’t do sloppy seconds lady” or “I’d rather do Danica Patrick”. I don’t know why but Deanna just didn’t seem to take well to Graham’s insinuation that she was some sort of slut. Ever see “Heart Like a Wheel”, the movie about Shirley Muldowney? My guess is that if they were going to play Dukes of Hazzard, Graham wanted Deanna to be more Daisy Duke than John Schneider, at least before he got in the mood to kiss.

I also have to say that Sean Ramey might have seemed to make progress with Deanna, but it’s illusory. He claimed to be Mr. Muscle Car and Deanna out drove him, it’s going to get to him eventually. What next, is she going to be kicking two lemons off his head before the rose ceremony? More serious, he didn’t seem to understand the not so fine distinction between being “Southern”, something Deanna clearly takes great pride in, and being a “Redneck”. When he started going on about how the Bluegrass state connection was a sign that they’re meant to be, I was thinking “Wow, now if she were just the guy’s first cousin and 14” she’d be perfect. Finally, he blew it big time. Deanna talked about her mom spending her last years in Fort Campbell and the guy didn’t ask a thing about the lady.

If I felt bad for anyone on the show, it was Fred. Even Robert thought Fred was a great guy. If this show were “The Mensch” instead of the “Bachelorette” ole Fred would still be in it weird yankee accent and all. What’s his reward for all this? Deanna gives him the same speech that Brad gave her. I know she’s doing it earlier in the name of not leading the guys on, but come on lady! You already made him think he was getting a rose. At least you could have made out with the guy for a minute then decided that the chemistry wasn’t quite right. She sent him home to the Average Joe 8 auditions anyway.

So after the most unromantic Bachelorette episode ever, good old Jason just happens to be the only guy in the house when Deanna gets back and it just happens that he’s not on the phone with his son or looking through a telescope for the star that Deanna named for him. What do we get? It’s a full-on Meg Ryan movie and Jason gets to go from I’m slipping behind hard to get Graham and Eddie Haskell’s long lost cousin Jeremy to Mr. Sensitive. Btw. Was it Jason who set up the special table for Fred and Bobbie? If so, the guy’s damned smart. You notice how they didn’t mention Ty once this time through? Wanna know why? Cause come that home visit it’s going to be Ty Mesnick all the time.

Other stuff-
I seriously thought Jesse should have given the rose to Natasha Bedingfield. How weird is it? Both Jesse Csinsack and Deanna were suddenly on a first name basis with their bud Natasha. Jesse appears to be one of these guys that the Bachelorette just can’t eliminate, but who just doesn’t make sense for her either. His pal Natasha would have been a way bigger boost to his clothing line anyway. Btw, if I were Natasha and cut my fee to be on the show, I’d be majorly upset that they let that bozo Twilley sing more than I did. This is reality tv, they should at least have mentioned her latest album or concert tour.

I really liked the impromptu pool party for reasons other than the obvious. I agreed. I thought she did look good in the bikini. I’m thinking personal trainer post-Brad. Just as Deanna’s confrontational side was getting to be a bit much, she did know when to make things fun again. Actually, my wife’s personality is eerily like Deanna’s so it’s been a bit strange to watch this installment. Well, my wife doesn’t drive quite that fast. The scary thing is that I’m a sulker like Robert at times.

That Brian guy was sure huge. It did seem like he was a little unclear on the concept. When you go on the show, you’re supposed to actually talk to the Bachelorette. All I remember the guy saying repeatedly was “I want to be married for life when I get married,” as say opposed to do it just to be on national tv. Why am I not shocked that a football coach bonded with the guys too much?

I think Deanna tells all is a terrific idea. I suspect it’s because there’s not that much suspense about the final four, but it’ll be interesting to see her comment on this stuff. For instance, the barbeque she walked out of certainly didn’t seem so bad in the out takes. I could see Chris asking her say “What she really did with Jason with the two of them alone in the house that night?” “So Deanna, how does he compare to Brad?” We could find out why in the world Twilley keeps getting roses. She could comment on the Trista-Ryan divorce rumors. Maybe Brad himself will show up or Andy can turn up to hit on her. If only she throws Twilley out of that helicopter after he gets that window open next week.
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