Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It's Not a Game Jenni (Bachelor 11 review Brad Womack)

My wife called the reality check police last night on me. Somewhere well before that helicopter date and maybe just a bit after Bettina Bell (is this the same one?) lectured Jenni Croft on the higher duties of Bachelorettedom, they burst into my living room.

“Okay, Mr. Chancelucky, you mind if we call you “CL”, we want you to put that remote down on the coffee table and walk away from the tv.”

I complied immediately.

“Please don’t hurt him…” Mrs. Cl pleaded. “He’s a nice man, but he takes this way too seriously. Last night, he wouldn’t let us go to sleep until I could explain why it was that the sexiest bachelor ever never manages to have anything to say.”

“That’s not fair Dear. You’re the one who told me that women really get turned on by guys they can talk to. This guy can’t say anything other than “I really like it that you want to fall in love with me.” The only thing that seems to make him sexy is that the ladies try to get him to take his shirt off a lot.”

“Well, you might want to lift some weights once in a while.”

“Mam, we don’t interfere in domestic disputes. Is your husband reality challenged?”

“Of course, he is.”

“Am not.” As I said it, I found myself staring longingly at the remote on our living room rug.

“CL, even if you don’t have Tivo, lets you watch the show online in case you happen to miss any parts.”

“Then explain the fact that you started screaming at that helicopter date.”

“Okay, okay. First, may I point out that helicopters use aviation fuel. If the thing just landed and it’s parked next to where you’re having dinner, you’re going to smell nothing but burnt petroleum. Second, maybe it’s just me but ever since 9/11 being on top of a tall building terrifies me. The President has spent the last 6 years telling me that terrorists might blow it up any minute if I ask any questions about the war.”

“You know lady, I sort of see his point. The tops of high rises aren’t that romantic now. And come to think of it….helicopters are pretty scary. Every couple weeks, they crash for no apparent reason in the Middle East.”

“Okay, what about the way you were shouting at Jenni Croft five minutes ago? “She’s in it for the wrong reasons. She’s in it for the wrong reasons.”

“Well, it is very disturbing that she wanted Jade Beazley to come home with the rose from the two on one date instead of Deanna simply because Deanna was more serious competition. It's wrong that she treats it like a game.”

“It’s a tv show, dear. It is a game. They usually break up within six weeks of the show anyway.”

“It’s a reality tv show. You should know that Bachelorettes serve a sacred trust. It’s not a game. They’re like priestesses, placed on tv to help Brad Womack discover his best connection with a carefully selected group of delusional nut cases.”


“Well, Jenni’s prettier than Bettina.”

“No way, for one thing Jenni looks like Tina Fey from the nose down. Second, what sort of guy falls for giggly, flirty, cheerleader types?”

Mrs. CL stares at me.

“Oh gee, I forgot. You went to a boy’s boarding school.”

The reality check policeman shook his head at us,”Look, do the two of you think you can work this out yourselves?”

Mrs. CL shook her head vigorously. “You know Bettina is divorced.”

“Okay,” I shriek “This is 2007. The women on this show are all in their twenties. That means that half of them are the products of divorced families. Why do they act like she just announced that she’s had a sex change operation when she tells them she’s been married before? What kind of reality is this supposed to be?”

“You know I dated a divorced woman once. She even had two kids.” The officer breaks in.

“So do you think Bettina is the hottest one?”

The officer scratches his head at first,”Yeah and that thing she did with the feather boa in Improv. She’s no Elizabeth McQuern, but it was great to see someone so uncomfortable with the thing just go with the flow like that. You know, that sort of thing tells me a lot about a woman.”

“I don’t believe this. I call you in to help get my husband back to reality and you’re worse than he is.”

“What did you think of the anti-cheerleader subtext of Hillary’s improv bit. I say it gets back to Jenni and she winds up taking offense at the dumb cheerleader stereotype? Jenni confronts her, then Hillary hangs a noose around Jenni’s collection of roses suspended from the ceiling of her room. That’s why Hillary goes home.”

“Geez, I’m not sure. That really was shocking the way they tell you on that preview about her leaving the show.”

“I heard that Hillary Reisinger swindled someone in a used car deal.”

“Officer, look. This is the thing. I was watching the show and rooting for Deanna and the producers totally turned on me. They make her this total control freak. Instead of spending time getting to know Brad, she spends her entire time interrupting and one upping Jade. She even snoops on their one on one time just like Krisily Kennedy. Did you see how aggressive they made her when she tells Brad that she really wants to stay?”

“Dear, it’s just a tv show.”

“But, where’s the romance this time? It’s like all of them are flawed in some serious way. Deanna’s bossy and blunt. Jenni’s an airhead. Sheena Stewart’s lips don’t curl when she smiles. Bettina called Jenni “a slut”. He’s clearly not that into Kristy. Don’t even get me started on Hillary. If I were Chad, I’d be telling my brother to get the hell out of there after you get time in the fantasy suite with Bettina and Jenni. I’m sorry, I just lost it for a little bit.”

“Okay, Mrs. CL. Let me ask you this. Did you and your husband watch the after the show encore with Rock of Love by any chance.”

“Sure, with the winner telling Brett Michaels that he was really more into the stripper who got his name tattooed on the back of her neck?”

“Your husband was given bad dose of reality television. It happens sometimes. They start hallucinating acting strange. You just have to ride it out. He’ll be all right. Maybe the two of you should turn off the television for a week, go for a walk, maybe talk to one another instead. Take one of these roses every four hours and drink plenty of liquids.”

The reality check police slip out of our front door. Mrs. Chancelucky and I sit alone in the living room staring at the remote then one another in silence.

Jenni: oddly, she continues to get a favorable edit. I still don’t get the bit with Bettina calling her a “liar”. I vaguely remember her telling the others that Brad didn’t kiss her during their one on one time, but I’m honestly not sure. It actually seemed the ladies were mostly joking around during that whole bit.

My take is that there’s going to be some big moment with Brad where the “game” thing comes up. Option two is that Brad really does want her to move to Austin, it was after all the first question he asked Jade and Deanna.

Kristy Katzmann: Brad thinks she might be too refined for him? Sure, whatever.

Steffi: Five years is a very long time to go without a date. No wonder she did the body shot with Brad when she got the chance. On the other hand, if you can do that why can’t you talk to the guy about personal matters?

MacCarten: She actually seemed sort of honest and intelligent. Why do the ladies think their not being able to “open their hearts” to Brad is somehow their shortcoming? Should you open your hearts to a guy whose most profound utterance in 4 weeks seems to be “I really like the fact that you want to be here too. That means a lot to me.”

Jade: I never did figure out the actual source of the friction between Jade and Deanna. It was interesting that they had both lived in Nashville. I wonder if they knew Travis and Sarah. You knew Jade wasn’t going to get too many more roses after she tried to tell Brad about Jenni’s Modeling portfolio.

Hillary: I figure that she gets to be the star of this installment’s Ladies Tell All episode.

Sheena Stewart: I hear that she’s secretly been seeing Chad.

Bettina: I actually thought she was pretty funny doing improv. I saw a picture of Chad’s wife who might have been a little more plastic looking, but Bettina comes the closest. I thought Deanna was the winner up to this week, but Brad’s body language has been “saying Bettina” the last couple episodes. Oddly, he’s very affectionate with Jenni when he’s alone with Jenni, but in the scenes with Brad, Jenni, and other ladies, it’s sometimes like Jenni's not there.

Well, it’s been real.

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At 10/24/2007 12:26:00 AM, Blogger Elizabeth McQuern said...

"She’s no Elizabeth McQuern, but it was great to see someone so uncomfortable with the thing just go with the flow like that. You know, that sort of thing tells me a lot about a woman.”

Oh, stop, now! Is that the nitch I'm carving for myself? "Uncomfortable, but going with the flow?" Not that I can call that inaccurate. :)

At 10/24/2007 10:00:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

mmmm....I have to watch those subordinate clauses :} the latter bit was about Bettina Bell's venture into improv on the show. I was just saying she didn't compare to real comediennes.

At 10/28/2007 11:00:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

JC! CL, since when did you get vexed at being called CL? It's meant to be an endearment -- like as in "good ole CL, ain't he a peach" or something.

At 11/07/2007 02:16:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

I'm confused-I don't get vexed at being called "CL"....Did I suggest that somewhere?


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