Paying for a Free Press

When I learned that the US had been paying Iraqi journalists to write and publish favorable articles in Iraqi newspapers, I was so angry that I called Karl Rove immediately.  

KR:  Nanu Nanu

CL:  Karl, is that you?

KR:  Depends on who’s calling.  Is that you Orson?

CL:  All White House phones have caller ID? You know they log the calls there, even the ones made to reporters.

KR:  Why do they call it a log when it’s not made from wood?  Unless it’s wood word’s log?  Or is it Woodward’s word about when he was told about that fair game lady?

CL:  Karl, why are you giving Iraqis real money when I only get paid in White House bucks? Come to think of it, you gave Armstrong Williams real money too and he didn’t even write his articles?  And can you cut the Mork from Ork thing?

KR:  Well, everyone loves Robin Williams.  And Ork is the only place where the president has an 80% approval rating still. There and among voters in persistently vegetative states

CL:  On Ork everyone seemed to be doing coke all the time.  Besides, ever since he did Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams just plays creepy people now.  

KR:  So I wasn’t the only one who noticed that he was starting to look like Dick Cheney?

CL:  About these planted articles in Iraq?  You complain that US media only prints the bad news about Iraq.  If there’s so much good news over there, why are you having to pay Iraqis to find it and print it?

KR:  Well a free press isn’t free.  Stories about nice GI’s just don’t sell.

CL:  Like Saving Private Ryan?

KR:  You know that Iraqi forces recently led an assault somewhere or other?

CL:  You heard that it turned out that the green berets directed that assault.

KR:  Oil production is up in Iraq.

CL:  Compared to the months right after the invasion when there was no production.

KR:  Joe Lieberman says they have more cell phones there now.

CL:  There are more cell phones on the Southside of Chicago too.  It doesn’t mean I want to live there any more than I did eight years ago.  

KR:  We’ve built a lot of schools there too and got a constitution ratified.

CL:  Two thirds of the people had to vote against it to keep it from being ratified in any province.

KR:  And you’re asking me why we only pay you in White House Bucks?

CL:  It’s just that I can only buy so many copies of the whole backlist at Regnery Publishing and mp3’s of John Ashcroft songs.  

KR:  You can get a gift certificate for Michael Browne’s Disaster Management Consulting service.  You know he does a heckuva job.

CL:  Karl, I need to get paid in real money.  You don’t know how hard it is to make you seem funny and harmless on my blog.  

KR:  We don’t have any real money any more, it all belongs to China.

CL:  Then how are you paying these journalists in Iraq?

KR:  The Lincoln Group pays them.

CL:  The people who sold El Salvador?  

KR:  You remember what the vice-president said about how democracy succeeded there and how we were bringing the same thing to Iraq.  

CL:  He also didn’t mention the death squads.  If you guys cared about “fair and balanced” so much, wouldn’t you do something about the budget?

KR:  Look, how about this?  We let you use your White House bucks for prescription drugs or even therapy.  I know how much you liberals like therapy.

CL:  So, there are no logs at the White House just log rolling?  How far would Jack Abramoff have gotten if he only could pay people in White House Bucks?

KR:  You know it used to be worse.  When Clinton was in office, Richard Mellon Scaife was paying everyone in Starr Bucks.  You have no idea how much we had to pay to settle that suit.

CL:  Do you remember Blue Chip stamps?  These White House Bucks are just like that and the only redemption centers were in Ohio.  You know, there is such a thing as a prevailing wage.  And by the way, how in the world are US forces only going to chase terrorists in Iraq while the Iraqis fight insurgents?  No one ever seems to know which are which before anything happens.

KR:  You sure about that prevailing wage thing?   What’s it matter who can tell the difference when we’re the only ones reporting the results?  A real free press is just part of the cost of freedom, just like real justice, real accounting, and real elections.

CL:  Next time I have you doing a sitcom character, you’re going to be working for your real boss, Thurston Howell.

KR: Well Lovey, the professor is building our missile defense system out of coconuts. He has a contract through Halliburton.

CL: Okay, did whoever wrote the National Strategy for Victory in Iraq get paid in money instead of White House bucks?

KR:  No, the President wrote that one himself. He always gets paid in deferred options.  

You’ll be glad to know that I’m no longer getting paid in White House Bucks.  All I have to do is not tell anyone that the President’s original draft started with “Light at the End of the Tunnel”.  I am learning as many have in DC that being patriotic doesn’t have to mean being poor as long as I stick with Karl’s definition of patriotism.  I figure it worked for at least six yet to be named members of Congress.  In the meantime, ten more soldiers were killed by an IED today and I don’t think even the Lincoln Group knows how to write that one favorably.  
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