Winning the War Against Christmas

Global Warming Christmas Tree


I have to say that I was disappointed not to get my “Happy Holidays” card from the White House this year after all I’d done for Karl, the Architect, Rove over the year.  You try to run a poetry workshop with Donald Rumsfeld  in it then come back and talk to me about your definition of torture.  At least, they’re not paying me in White House bucks anymore.  Knowing that Karl has been busy with his attorney Robert Luskin recently, I sent him an e-mail this time instead of calling him and he was nice enough to wish me a “Merry Christmas” in those very words even and send along the following document titled “National Strategy For Total Victory in the War Against Christmas.”

1. The liberal plotters against Christmas are not members of any nation’s armed forces, except when they happen to be members of the U.S. armed forces.  This means that they are not signatories to the Geneva convention and thus not subject to any of the provisions of that treaty.  For this reason, we recommend the implementation of “Operation Enduring Inquisition”.

Plotters will be identified and rounded up in the middle of the night by a special unit of the CIA that will land on their roofs and come down their chimneys in  red suits (we’re still confused why it’s now good to be in a red state when it used to be really bad to be a “red”).  The liberals, of course, will be easy to identify because they won’t have put out cookies and milk and will likely not have maxed  their credit cards (easily verifiable through the continuing provisions of the Patriot Act)  Anti-Christmas terrorists will then be taken into custody, flown to southern Spain, and questioned.  

     While we do not endorse torture in any form, unless it’s tortured explanations having to do with John McCain negotiations with  White House about the torture bill, the Spanish have a long tradition of helping non-believers appreciate the seriousness of traditions like Christmas.  In fact, practices like Waterboarding have their roots in the Inquisition, an early  successful Spanish anti-terrorist operation. The practice was later brought to the Americas by the Puritan founding fathers themselves and used to minimize problems by identifying Wiccans who even then were plotting against Christmas while exploring their oneness with native American spiritual traditions.  If these anti-Christmas zealots happen to be members of a known religion, please take care not to actually flush their so called “Holy” texts down the toilet.  It’s okay to deface these texts,make fun of them, or threaten to flush them down the toilet,but actual flushing is a little too much like baptism.

     With the use of the appropriate techniques, we should be able to uncover anti-Christmas cells currently operating throughout the United States.  One sleeper cell was even uncovered in the government printing office where the President’s own Christmas wishes were turned into a “Happy Holidays” cards.  The President assures us that he knows the source of this leak in the printing office and will let Bob Novak know who it is.

1. The Constitutional Amendment plan was recently disrupted when Duke, Top Gun, Cunningham who was slated to introduce it had to resign his seat in Congress.  This was after Tom Delay the first Congressman in charge of introducing the amdendment was redistricted out of this strategy by a partisan prosecutor who was overheard telling a judge “Happy Holidays to you too”, just a week ago.  The amendment is simple.  It reads “Anyone referring to a holiday between Thanksgiving and New Year’s must either specify the holiday as the Day When our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was allegedly born even though this may well not be the actual date and the Eastern Church does not observe December 25th  or say “Merry Christmas” with a clearly inflected emphasis on the “Christ” part or be sentenced to death.  There shall be no penalty for Jews who happen to say Happy Chanukah after saying Merry Christmas, particularly if they happen to be neo-cons.  In addition this amendment bans abortion and flag burning and is part of the Founding Father’s original intent for the Constitution.”  

If the Amendment does not get the necessary votes in  Congress, see the Diebold backup plan for state referenda.  

1. Tell the world that you have evidence that the secularist terrorists have Weapons of Christmas Mass Destruction.  There is clear proof that some of them tried to buy Kwaanza gifts in Niger.  We also have evidence that some of their agents promoted the use of aluminum tubes in artificial Christmas trees.  Of greater concern, we have reason to believe that they have been stockpiling large quantities of intercontinental land-based mistletoe which they are planning to deploy at office Christmas parties to disrupt the traditional family unit.  

We will let it be known that should they not give themselves up, we will kill them all in order to save the spirit of Christmas.  Our first choice name for this “Final Solution” had to be shelved, we are working on an alternative.  

1. Special Provisions of the Patriot Act already provide for a black ops unit funded as a faith-based initiative to undo the proliferation of “Happy Holidays”.  

Projects include a Britney Spears/Kevin Federline Christmas tv special in which Britney makes a phone call to have Jessica Simpson come over for Christmas Egg Nog  and party down with Kevin as the two share insights about their faith.  Britney Spears has already been paid for the project.  The DVD has a deleted scenes reel of a Nick Lachey Christmas.  This replaces a Michael Jackson Christmas special which had to be cancelled due to the fact that he moved to Dubai and that the crew could not get him away from the manger during rehearsals.  

Bruce Willis has already been signed to star in an action movie in which a special ops veteran of both Iraq Wars comes home to take out any individuals who say “Happy Holidays”.  When he blows them away with his Glock, his signature line will be “Wishing you a Merry Christmas Scumbag.”  As a measure of Willis’s patriotism, he has on his own accord offered to take one million less than his usual four million dollar fee which he last got before that movie with Dakota Fanning tanked.

The faith-based unit has also located the mythical federal building where they weren’t allowed to have a Christmas pageant.  An unindicted associate of Timothy Macveigh has already been assigned to teach them the real meaning of Christmas.  

1. Appoint Supreme Court justices to re-interpret the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment of the Constitution.  We still have no idea how our Christian founding fathers accidentally put this language in the Bill of Rights.  We are working to correct the problem.  Clearly, there were no Hindus or Moslems in Colonial America, except for a million or so slaves who happened to be Moslems and they weren’t citizens.  A strict constructionist who did not make law would see that the Founding Fathers meant for the clause to refer to Establishment of one Protestant Sect over another.  This may be a problem, however, since five of our justices may be Catholic.  

Nonetheless, we are confident that Judge Alito will respect the Inseparability of Christian Church and State so clearly embodied in our Constitution and in Thomas Jefferson’s personal copy of the Bible.  

In the meantime, we are making incredible progress in winning the War Against
Christmas.  It is unfortunate that no network other than Fox reports the good news about our efforts in this battle for the soul of our nation.  In the meantime, Christians tragically remain a persecuted majority in this country unable to enjoy the simple freedom of ignoring the sensibilities of members of other faiths.  It is one of the reasons we are proud that the Iraqis endorsed a constitution proclaiming their country a Christian state like our own.  There is no room for Islamic fundamentalism in a world soon to  be left behind by Christian fundamentalists.  In the meantime the president has privately assured us that we are doing a “heckuva” job.