Albus Dumbledore Tells All (a really odd Karl Rove Adventure)

Albus Dumbledore perfects his potion for gaydar

I was sitting in a bathroom stall at a local restaurant the other day when the guy next to me touched my foot with his wand, the magical kind not the body part. I ignored it, but couldn’t ignore the reappearance of his wand just below the stall wall and his saying “Accio, Accio.”

My foot started moving towards his and I said “What the hell?”

The guy on the other side, who sounded rather like the late British actor Richard Harris then said, “My humblest apologies, mistaken identity. I didn’t realize that you were a muggle.”

“Well, you should keep your wand to yourself, especially in public places.”

So I start thinking, if you’re both gay and a magical person how are you supposed to feel about being called a “fairy”.

“No, I don’t consider it offensive in the right context. I am, of course, a wizard, but yes there are fairies who happen to be well, “fairies”.

“Look, it’s not nice to read people’s minds in public places.”

“My apologies again.”

“You know this is really interesting, not that kind of Larry Craig-shoe tapping interesting, but would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”

“Larry Craig is strictly a muggle. He’s not even a flub, though I have heard that he has fans in Slytherin.”

“Okay, got to ask. Is it true that Voldemort, I mean he who must not be named, was modeled after Dick Cheney?”

“Only the creator knows that.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were religious.”

“I meant J.K. Rowling.”

We agree to head out the bathroom dore and take a seat at an outdoor table on the street side of the restaurant. I order a coke and Albus has chilled pumpkin juice and vodka.

“I didn’t know you drank.”

“We’re not allowed to in the book. It is a children’s story after all.”

I nod.

“But how does that fit with you’re being gay?”

Albus takes a deep breath, “I like to think of it as the fantasy version of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

“To tell you the truth, I did have to wonder about Professor “Flitwick” and whatever Nearly Headless Nick was doing in that bathroom.”

“That was Moaning Myrtle.”

“But you catch my drift. I mean what else are we going to find out? Did Hagrid do HGH? Was Snape making LSD in his potions class to make those poor kids see Boggarts and whatever else? It’s pretty obvious to me that the Malfoys were doing coke.”

“You have to understand, I can’t comment on these matters directly. One never knows if Rita Skeeter is around somewhere, but it’s absolutely not true that Parvati Partil and her sister had anything to do with David Vitter. Also, Hermione was not based on Hillary Clinton.”

“Professor Dumbledore, you’re a character in a children’s story. What next, Ron Weasley has two mommies?”

“Well, actually Neville Longbottom does have two patronuses.”

“I’ve heard that his patronus was bigger than Milton Berle’s.”

“Please….I thought you wanted to talk seriously.”

“Look, I’ve read Bettleheim and I understand that children’s stories may have all sorts of themes that children aren’t ready to discuss overtly, but may already be thinking about. Still…I like to think of bedtime stories not having any suggestion of anyone doing anything in bed with anyone else. I mean, I don’t have to read Little Red Riding Hood as a menstruation parable.”

“Nothing of that sort happened in any of the seven books.”

“But….”

“So it’s okay to pretend that all characters in children’s books are strictly heterosexual. Look at Bert and Ernie, Yogi and Boo Boo, Batman and Robin. Do you really want to know what’s going on in any of those households?”

Dumbledore offers me a lemon drop.

“Did you know that Bullwinkle is female? And what is that bit with George of the Jungle’s two wives? And yeah, what are the implications of Peter Pan?”

“I think you’re beginning to grasp what I’m saying.”

“Do the students at Hogwarts have to take Sex Ed?”

“The Ministry of Magic won’t allow it. They believe in abstinence education. It’s still defense against the dark arts instead of defense of marriage though.”

“So Professor Dumbledore, why is that that American politicians are less realistic about sex and sexual differences than writers of children’s books?”

Albus looks up at the ceiling then nods wisely.

“You did notice something about the Potter books?”

“I guess not.”

“Well, it mentions a lot of countries, but oddly there’s no mention of the United States.”

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

“And you did notice that Harry Potter is a much saner world, even with my pensieve out of the closet?”

One of the people in one of the photographs on the wall behind us motions towards me. I point it out to Albus.

“You do know that all the death eaters who escaped from Azkaban went somewhere?”

“You mean they’re in America working for…..”

“Let me put it this way CL, have you ever noticed that Tom Marvolo Riddle and Karl Rove have almost exactly the same family histories?”

With that question, Albus Dumbledore disapparated from my life, but I have to say he did it very stylishly. In the meantime, I just wish I knew what that hissing sound was in the background every time Dana Perino talks to the press.

Rebecca Traister Salon Article on the revelation


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other stories in the Karl Rove series