We'll Always Have Paris (Bachelor 12 round of 15)

The ladies on this edition of the Bachelor all seem to think that Matt Grant is Simon Cowell. Why do they keep singing for him? If it isn’t the clarinet playing Michelle from Syracuse breaking into song, it was Carri Perrier moving from crushing beer cans with her teeth to singing Summertime and possibly breaking glass with her voice. Both went home without a rose and Michelle got to deliver an eerie speech about getting to go home to her true love, her cat. Given the “Bachelor Where are They Now” show two weeks ago and that lady who had been twice rejected on the show who had stopped dating and settled in with her Yorkshire Terrier, it did call up this sad vision of an elderly Michelle now being condemned to a life of living alone with her cat and playing the melody from the Little Friskies commercials for him on the clarinet.

How do I put this? I’ve talked to any number of couples about how they first met and only one woman ever said that her husband to be heard her sing and they fell in love. They live down the street from us and they’re both music teachers. She sings really really well and he composes contemporary Christian music. So it’s possible, but I don’t think Matt Grant ever mentioned that music was an important part of his life. If he had a clue would he be asking Robin Canfield to play a Mozart opera on the piano while sitting on his lap?

Two episodes in, I’d have to say that they seem more interested paying homage to other reality shows than in generating any sense of romance. They turn the first group date into some sort of spinoff of America’s Next Top Model only with a group of bachelorettes who may not be all that model like. I’ve never thought they needed wannabe super models and sitcom love interests to make the show work. In fact, I’ve thought it would work better if they used more civilian looking women. If the demographic is female, doesn’t it make sense that the ultimate fantasy would be for a regular looking woman to win away a hunky guy from a handful of bitchy cheerleader types? Anyway, sticking them on the runway was just a weird choice. They might as well have put a brass firepole in the middle of the set and had Matt buy lapdances, something which happened anyway later in the show with Marshana et. al. The dancing was fun, particularly with Matt, but who the hell acts like that that you’d want to date seriously?

Maybe it’s a race thing, but Marshana vaguely stirs up memories of Omorosa Maingault Stallworth from that show where Donald Trump fires people instead of denying them roses. What was with her bit of trying to make sure that Matt kissed her just because Robin got a kiss? Aren’t you supposed to find out if you like each other first? Also, the race conversation was interesting. Matt said "your skin color doesn't matter to me", but did he ask if "his mattered to her"? It wasn't a big deal, but it was revealing of the way people often think of these things.

This is the worst part though. Most of the camera time has been devoted to a pair of twenty two year olds who don’t seem quite that old, Ashlee the wannabe singer and Shayne Lamas the wannabe actress who both clearly came on the show to meet the man of their dreams or at least that’s what the press release from their respective agents tell us. With Ashlee Willis I thought the kissing was a bit forced (I've been staring at your lips all day), but the victory dance in the endzone where she jumps around in her pajamas? Is this the Bachelor or is it Lizzie Maguire? You’d think that David Archuleta had just asked her out for a date.

As if Ashlee wasn’t enough, Shayne has a meltdown in Las Vegas because (Can you believe this?) the Bachelor dates a bunch of other women? Yes, she is descended from a family of actors and if this was acting I’d say the Fernando, Lorenzo, Arlene Dahl genes are clearly in evidence. None of your family members could act either. Initially Matt tells her that she’s being an idiot, then thinks better of it and starts talking about how attracted he is to her. I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for the bit about a young woman as hot as me never has to compete against other women for a guy’s attention. That’s especially true when the young woman looks like she came out of the second tier of Paris Hilton’s party friends. Maybe it wasn't an accident that the Las Vegas casino just happened to be "Paris".

I want to like this guy and maybe it’s a cultural thing ( if you remember Hugh Grant went off with Divine Brown while he had Liz Hurley at home) , but this Bachelor lost serious credibility with me by giving these two ladies roses especially when he explained that Ashlee was the most forward. When she started acting like that, I would have asked for it back. To top that off, he gave a rose to Kelly who started slurring when talking about how she was impressing the Bachelor with her ability to hold her liquor.

About the only moment of charm was a manufactured one, Amanda Rantuccio hiccoughs when her name gets called for a rose. To be honest, the one bachelorette who appeared to come off well during the episode was Noelle Drake (sudden hairstyle change) who basically got no camera time except to say “I’ll accept your rose, mate.”

If they’re going to do bits from other reality shows, the Gambling network, America's Most Attractive Contortionists (Chelsea), and the Rugby channel, I’d suggest that they pick a show like Moment of Truth where you at least get some chances to find out a bit more about who these people really are. The closest they appeared to getting to that was with Chelsea. Would it be that much to ask that the Bachelor just have a couple conversations with a couple of the women about normal things with no stunts involved and that there be some sort of natural attraction? That does happen in real life. More to the point, it’s actually something that television picks up really well.

In the meantime, if he brought home any of the young ladies he’s kissed so far (the number is mounting btw) to mum and dad, I’m not sure that Matt Grant’s elderly dad would survive the home visit.
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