The Shayne Lamas Show (Bachelor 12 Round of 4)

I dreamt that I was the Bachelor last night, at least I’m pretty sure it was a dream. First I found myself in a bar in Los Angeles where this zombie came out and claimed to be Shayne’s father. This guy’s been dead so long that his face had to be sewn back together only they did it so tight that the only thing on his face that moved was his mouth. They’ve had divorced parents on the home visit before. Tara Huckabee’s dad got his own segment, but her mom didn’t get any screen time at all. Bettina’s mom, dad, and stepmom were all in the same house to disapprove of Brad Womack (does that visit look a bit different in retrospect now or what?) Tessa Horst also had her mom together with dad at his DC home even though they're divorced. This time though it’s the Shayne show and they decide to give her two home visits. Either that or there was some sort of restraining order in effect. I guess the other possibility was that ABC decided not to show America Shayne’s nineteen year old stepmother, Mrs. Lorenzo Lamas number six or seven. So zombie dad met us in a bar/restaurant.

Right off the bat, I’m disappointed. I was hoping that he’d make his entrance on a motorcycle with a shotgun strapped to his back a la Renegade. Instead, Zombie Dad dusted off an old scene from Falconcrest and accused his own daughter of only being on the Bachelor for exposure and stardom.

Shayne then defended herself by saying,”No, I wouldn’t have stayed on this show this long if I weren’t really into Matt.”

“Hey, my name’s not Matt” I think to myself and what’s more that really wasn’t very persuasive.

I then realized that I wasn’t asleep at all. This really was the Bachelor, because Matt says, “Well, I had my doubts, but now that you say that I’m absolutely convinced.”

What the hell?

Next Zombie Dad looks at the young couple and says, “Okay, well I’m convinced too, best of luck to the two of you.”

First, if I ever need a loan I’m going to go to Matt’s bank. Do you have any collateral? No. Do you have an income stream? No. So, how do we know that you want this ten million dollars so you can hang out all week watch reality tv and blog about it for the rest of your life? Well, because I’m really serious about doing this. Okay, good enough for me, I believe you.

I jump ahead in the tivo of my mind to a couple images of Noelle in the white sweater after the horseback ride. I look at Shayne. I go, “What the hell? This guy is seriously seriously some kind of idiot.”

Zombie Dad asks Matt to spend some alone time with him. He then starts off by telling Matt that he’s been a really lousy Dad. Matt gives him this “No, Sir….I would never have guessed that. After all we said “Hi” and thirty seconds later you were telling me that you were worried that your beloved daughter was a phony who was just toying with my feelings to get national tv time. Zombie Dad then says, “That’s why it’s really important that you don’t hurt her, I’ve already *(*#@$ her life up enough for any fifty men.

Matt and Shayne leave to visit her mom’s house. The camera lingers on Zombie Lorenzo and he’s talking to the producers, “You guys are paying me scale for that scene right, even zombies have bills to pay and I'm still paying alimony to three of my wives?”

We then learn that Shayne bought a house for her mother, but never hear anything more about how that happened. Shayne’s younger sister looks exactly like Shayne so they make her wear a sparkly headband to keep the viewer from getting too confused. Shayne’s zombie mom, Michelle Smith, is even more terrifying than Shayne’s dad. Imagine a female impersonator version of Connie Stevens. Where Zombie Dad’s face is sewn a bit too tight, Shayne’s mom looks like she made ten or twenty too many visits to Doctor 90210. That said, Shayne’s mom seems quite nice so I feel guilty about what I just wrote, but not so guilty that I don’t leave it in.

In honor of Matt’s visit, Shayne’s mom makes roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. I’m not sure it’s quite as good as the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding they would have had at Robin Canfield’s house where they also have a tea maker instead of a coffee maker, but they seem to have a good time anyway. At one point, Matt looks at the Yorkshire pudding then looks at Shayne’s mom, then looks down at the Yorshire pudding, then we see these little tiny dogs who seem to be trying to warn Matt about dating a woman with parents who happen to be undead. Matt ignores them and Shayne’s mom drags him into the only room in the house that doesn’t have any leopard skin prints in it.

She then shows some dance/gymnastics video of Shayne as a little girl where the viewers learn that Shayne is actually a brunette. Shayne’s mom talks about how determined and special her daughter is then pronounces Matt and Shayne a beautiful-looking couple.

Shayne and Matt kiss passionately and both say what a great home visit that was.

We then get about three minutes each of home visits to Colorado. Chelsea’s visit is entirely in Bachelorese. They talk about opening up, connections, whether Chelsea’s in to Matt. Chelsea’s dad tells her that she needs to open up if she’s serious about this. Matt tells Chelsea’s dad that he was attracted to Chelsea immediately after he found out that she’s double-jointed and really athletic. They have this lingering kiss when Matt has to leave and Matt mumbles something to the family about starting to fall in love with Chelsea. I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to remember anything about this home visit in two weeks. At the end of the show, they show Matt and Chelsea pretending to be cowboy and dance hall girl for a photographer and that scene has way more energy than the home visit. About the only other notable moment is a bit where you see Chelsea’s arm linked in Matt’s instead of holding his hand on the way to mom and dad’s house.

Okay, I’m a guy and I’ve watched most seasons of the Bachelor and some of every installment. Noelle Drake is probably one of the three or four most physically attractive women they’ve had on the show. She also comes off as remarkably sane and gentle. Her family rides horses, throws horseshoes, and Dad admits that he married his best friend and considers that the best thing he ever did. Matt responds by telling Noelle’s sisters that he’s falling in love with many different women right now. They kiss at the end and we’re supposed to think that Noelle is starting to open up some, but the kiss is a little reserved compared to Shayne and Chelsea’s farewell embraces. Once again, you can read Matt’s intentions by the way he kisses. If there were no Mrs. Chancelucky and I were younger, I’d go propose to Noelle if she weren’t out of my league. Of course, Mrs. Chancelucky is out of my league anyway. Matt Grant really would rather see Shayne Lamas kissing strange guys on screen, have weekly separate dinners with Zombie mom and dad, etc. than….In any case, Noelle’s mom also wins the this is what your wife is going to look like in twenty five years test. Maybe they don’t have that test in England.

Amanda Rantuccio decides to hire a pair of actors to punk Matt on her home visit, though this time there’s no Ashton Kutcher. Ashton couldn’t make it because he was too shocked by Matt’s dumping Noelle in favor of Shayne. Though Ashton wouldn’t have known that at the time, so it must have been some other reason like Ashton not understanding why the Bachelors always dump all the women who are older than they are. Amanda’s fake dad is sort of a Paul Giamatti knockoff and fake mom looks like someone who didn’t quite make it into the troupe at Second City. It’s really sort of a funny idea, but my problem is that Amanda paid money for these two.

Years ago, I was at a party with a woman who started telling us about a prank she played on a very vain male friend of hers from India. She had someone tell him that a famous Indian director was in town, had seen him around town, and wanted to cast him in one of his movies. He was supposed to meet them at a coffee house in Berkeley and the prank part was she was going to see just how long this guy would wait for the director to show up for the meeting. He waited a couple hours which meant that she waited a couple hours watching the friend wait. The joke was funny in its way, but everyone at the party was kind of looking at the woman and thinking “Wow, that’s way too much energy to put into a practical joke. This woman has a serious crush on this guy and we’re not sure it’s reciprocal.”

The basic idea was that mom starts making a pass at Matt and fake dad catches them. Unfortunately, Matt doesn’t appear to pick up on the fact that it’s a joke until Amanda has to tell him. He says “What a great prank, the best ever….” But I notice that he doesn’t use his trademark “Brilliant” to describe the experience. He also doesn’t seem to laugh. Amanda’s real family appears and they look less like Amanda than the fake parents did. They have dinner, but we never get to hear them say anything.

I applaud Amanda for doing something different and memorable on the home visit, but her odds on the show just fell off the table. This is my guess. I’m not sure that Matt is all that keen on being with a woman who might be more clever than he is.

At the rose ceremony, Matt dumps Noelle and she turns around and instead of crying and insisting that Matt made a mistake, etc. as eight million others have done on this show, she says “You know, I agree we got a late start and I have to say that was my doing. I didn’t open up until late in the process. Best of luck, Matt.”

If this were a real movie, Matt would be about to do the final rose with whichever two ladies remain. He’d realize the error of his ways, jump on the only conveyance available, a horse, and ride to Colorado. Zombie mom and Dad would be nearby and try to stop him by ripping their heads off and making like the characters in Death Becomes You, but Shayne would then get her big moment when she stops them to say,

“Mom, Dad, I love you and I was falling in love with Matt, but I’m not in love with Matt, just ask Dakota. He needs to find true love and be with someone with parents who aren’t undead. Matt, you go get her. I’m going to be just fine here with my two thousand shoes, three hundred handbags, and an unlimited account with the best cosmetic surgeon in Southern California.”

Noelle is home with her family acting grandmotherly and talking to her agent. Matt comes galloping up on the horse in front of the entire family sweeps her up onto the back of his horse, the two ride off into the sunset, he takes the rose out of his teeth, Chris Harrison then suddenly appears out of the blue and there’s an altar set against a mountain backdrop. Trista and Ryan are there for the ceremony and Trista announces to Bachelor America that she’s having another baby. They show forty seven minutes of Trista and Ryan highlights, Matt proposes, Noelle accepts, and the Bachelor franchise is saved.

Unfortunately, none of that’s going to happen. According to Bachelor forensics the thumb that goes with the ring is pretty certainly …..and I’m pretty sure that there’s almost no way they can make these last two episodes interesting in any way unless Dakota goes in Shayne’s place for the fantasy date and Matt doesn’t notice until it’s too late, Chelsea shows Matt how weird it is to hold hands with someone who’s fully double-jointed, and Amanda starts screaming at Matt when he offers her the Fantasy Suite card, has a breakdown, then says “See I was just kidding” wasn’t that hilarious?


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