Spray Tanners and Warning Signs (Bachelor 12 Round of 12)

I’m mad at the show. They were so anxious to show clips from Patrick Dempsey’s Maid of Honor that they gave away the entire story arc for the movie. The nerve! How fake was that movie preview anyway? They have a crowd of reporters outside and then Matt Grant and Holly Durst get the theater to themselves. The thing that worries me the most though is that Matt Grant seems to be genuinely starstruck. I’m sure he wouldn’t openly criticize the movie, but I seriously doubt that Maid of Honor was actually “great”. Later, he calls Shayne Lamas a Hollywood sex kitten. The French were into Jerry Lewis, maybe the British equivalent is to obsess over members of the Lamas family.

After the movie, he tries to give Justin Guarini’s ex almost the same speech that Brad Womack dropped on Hillary Reisinger. He tells her that he’s almost too comfortable with her and she misses the cue entirely when she responds, “Isn’t that the greatest thing in the world?”

They’re two legitimate takes on love. One is all about compatibility and the other is about chemical excitement. Given the way this guy seems to be excited about being excited, I wouldn’t bet on Holly Durst.

It does occur to me that given the apparent maturity of so many of the ladies that Holly’s background as a writer of children’s books should serve her well during her run. Based on how childish, at least per the edit, some of the Bachelorettes seem I also don’t think that it’s wise for Matt Grant to be making like Bob Guiney with a British accent. Like Bob he’s slipped the tongue to the majority of the remaining Bachelorettes. I counted one every fifteen minutes last night including his cocktail party time with Chelsea Wanstrath. At this point tongue to tongue contact appears to be the qualification for getting a rose. Unlike Bob, he hasn’t made out with anyone then dumped her on the same segment of the show. Matt might be the wittiest Bachelor in a while (prewritten or not the line about Shayne be a slice of bread short of a sandwich or the greatest thing since sliced bread was genuinely clever), but this serial kisser thing is losing points for me. I’m okay with his “testing” the chemistry. I’m just not so sure about the ladies he’s testing it with.

I would say that Robin Canfield was not the only lady to get a bad edit on last night’s show. In some ways, her strategy reminds me of a less subtle Moana. Whenever she gets a chance to have alone time with Matt, she pursues it aggressively though without any flair. Last week, she sat on his lap at the piano. This time in her time with the other ladies, she tried to talk over every detail of all of her extended time with Matt in front of the very ladies she’d kept from having time with him. Well enough about Matt and Me...what do you think of me and Matt? I’m glad that the Bachelorette police went after her when she stole time from Amy, but it’s worth noting that Matt cut two of those ladies (I think).

Ashlee Williss seems to be getting just as bad an edit. After over-celebrating her rose from last week’s fashion show, she was shown repeatedly sulking each time Matt chose to spend time with someone else. In addition, she didn’t do rugby and much of the time seems to belong on Beauty and the Geek.

Kelly who tried to find Matt’s ticklish parts during a massage that appeared to include a happy ending had the Bachelor so desired is clearly reprising Desiree’s role from Lorenzo’s season and Stephanie South Carolina’s bit from Andy’s season. In her mini-interviews, she always sounds a little under the influence. I hope that’s not the case. So far though, no divorcees, no single moms, and no wedding dresses.

They did have one of the great moments in Bachelor history. Shayne complains that she needs to go tanning before her big wine tasting date with Matt. Holly Durst just happens to have brought along a spray tan compressor that didn’t exactly look small. This was female bonding for the Myspace.com age at its best.

At the end of the show, Shayne appears to have brought Imelda Marcos’s suitcase. Naturally the ladies rifle through her mind-numbing variety of footware, none of which included running shoes, just for the hell of it. Nice!

I honestly can’t remember the last time the show spent this much time on one contestant. It feels to me like Shayne Lamas gets about fifteen minutes per installment. Sane men would avoid any woman who admits to being high maintenance then says that three of her five top priorities are shoes, handbags, and watches. The word “silly” comes to mind.

She did score some points for admitting to being high maintenance and for talking about how her parents have both been divorced multiple times. She also later intervenes to get some of the other ladies time with Matt pre-rose ceremony. She’s more or less Sienna Miller’s character in Alfie. I do understand that she has real charm, as much as one can have such things in white boots and black minidress. I could also understand having a fling with the woman, but Shayne is all but radioactive with a blinking sign saying “Caution, Man Trap”. Yes, there’s chemistry between Matt and Shayne, but most of it involves lithium in some way.

There are rumors that this was the setup all along. I hope not. I’d like to see a Bachelor with better judgment, particularly if he’s serious about marrying instead of winding up like Charles and Diana.

Other:
I barely knew anything about the 3 ladies who went home. I liked the way Kristine said, I don’t open up until I’ve got a good idea that the guy is genuinely interested. It actually sounded normal not to stick your tongue down the guy’s throat on your third meeting after he did the same thing with some other woman an hour ago. I was saddened by the way she seemed to see it as her flaw rather than a matter of her being saner than the show. Amy’s perfunctory exit was sort of like “Wow, I don’t know why I didn’t cut you earlier.” I also did want to know about Erin and the hot dog vendor thing.

Amanda: I love the hiccough. I don’t know if it’s staged, but it’s great quirky tv. I know he was nice to her during the rugby, but I can’t remember the last time that the first rose lady got so little attention in the first couple episodes. That appears to change next week.

Noelle: She seems very sensible in her mini-interviews, maybe a little boring. Amanda and Noelle are probably the best hope that the guy doesn’t follow his inner need to rut with some Paris Hilton wannabe.

Marshana Ritchie: Did she design her gown for the rose ceremony? I understand why she’s not on Project Runway. They keep showing her ready to start some confrontation with Robin in defense of the Bachelorette Code of Honor. They also make it seem like she’s really into Matt, but I can’t figure out why yet. The Holly-Marshana date should at least be interesting. I was disappointed that there was no close up of the bruised lip. It can’t be a good thing that she got injured and Matt still gave the rugby rose to Robin. It reminds me of that poor woman who got stung by the bee who then got dumped.

Chelsea: Other than the fact that she seems to think this is a decathlon instead of a dating show, she appears to be another one of the sane women left.

I’m just hoping that they send in some friend of Matt’s from Cambridge or maybe one of his older brothers to meet the ladies and finally say, “You can’t be serious about bringing some of these ladies back to England?”



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