Paula Abdul Spaces Out (Idol 7 Round of 5)

Personally, I liked the second hour of the Tuesday night show better than the first. On that second hour, available only to subscribers to Heartlight Television, not only did the five remaining singers on Idol perform much better than they had on the Fox version, but Paula Abdul’s critiques were incisive, detailed, and brilliant. I have to say it was an amazing moment when Jason Castro came out on a kid’s bicycle then sang that Neil Diamond song about space aliens with dreadlocks. I think it was called “Turn on Your Hash Pipe”.

Actually, I’ve been sort of puzzled by the Jason Castro doper jokes. People seem to jump to conclusions because of the hair the neo-Spicoli act from Idol Does Ridgemont High, and the fact that he was once a drummer in a rock group. As I understand it, Jason Castro is quite religious and frequently sings for his church. It’s strange how people assume so much based on appearances. Okay, now I’ve undercut my own joke.

Anyway, at the end of the other second Jason Castro song, he did an even more clever thing. Before the judges started their critiques, he ordered pizza for them. It so disoriented Paula that she forgot that most of America isn’t supposed to know about the Heartlight Television version of the show. As you may have guessed, space aliens have very different tastes in music from everyday Americans. Maybe it’s because their ears are shaped differently or because some of them have more than two of them. Anyway, the other thing to understand is that the millions of Alien life forms who watch Heartlight Television can do things with cell phones that the rest of us can’t. You remember E.T. and that glowing finger? Just imagine millions of them with cellphones voting for their pal Jason Castro. By the way, the aliens apparently hated Michael Johns and Carly Smithson. They resented the idea that some non-alien alien might actually be the American Idol. For reasons I can’t go into in detail, they were big fans of Scot Savol.

While standard Idol’s popularity continues to drift this year, the Heartlight Network’s version has never been more popular. All those alternative life forms just love it when Ryan implores everyone to Phone Home after the show. They’re saying that next week’s show might set Heartlight ratings records. Guest mentors Tommie Lee Jones and Will Smith will help the 4 remaining Idols sing songs from Johnny Cash’s classic album “Man in Black”. It’s too bad that the earthside viewers of the show won’t get to see any of it. If you do happen to get the chance (my daughter has a friend who got us one of those satellite dish decoder boxes for thirty nine dollars), it’s well worth it and you’ll probably understand Paula Abdul a bit better. To Extra Terrestrials, Paula Abdul’s music is like the Beatles. They love her so much that Emilio Estevez movies can not be shown on Heartlight television out of fear that they will cause riots.

Anyway, isn’t that way more plausible than that silly notion that Paula Abdul was either reading from a script or that the judges more or less write their reviews based on the rehearsals? I mean this is reality television. They’d never do something like that.

When I heard that Neil Diamond was going to be the guest mentor for Idol, I really rooted for them to build the show around his turn in Saving Silverman. Could you imagine the Ford commercial? David Cook could have done the Jack Black role and David Archuleta could have been Steve Zahn kidnapping old Neil, throwing him in the back of their Ford Escape Hybrid Van, and getting him to help them break up say Brooke White’s sister’s wedding. Now, that’s the Neil Diamond I wanted. Instead, this was some old guy who told everyone he or she would be great and hugged Syesha. About the only thing I remember him doing was to tell Brooke White to change the lyric from New York City born and bred to “I’m Arizona Born and Bred” to make it her own. That sure made me a Believer and look how well it worked! No wonder, the aliens are bringing in their own mentors next week.

I was probably the most uncool kid in the world. Even I knew that I didn’t want to ever be caught buying or listening to a Neil Diamond album. The only thing worse than that would be to be found with a Barry Manilow album….mmmm…..Do I sense a pattern here? I can’t even say that Neil’s a guilty pleasure for me. I thought he hit his peak as a songwriter back with the Monkees. Other than Saving Silverman, the only really fascinating thing I can remember reading about Neil Diamond was a feature story on Sweet Connie from Little Rock (Grand Funk Railroad’s We’re an American Band) and her account of her meeting with Neil Diamond.

Brooke White: I did think that I Am I Said might have been the best she’s done in many weeks. After all, she did remember the lyrics etc., but it was getting increasingly obvious that the former nanny had essentially played her best cards too early in the show’s cycle. She had no more to show and no surprises after Battlefield and I do think that realization probably started getting to her nerves which sometimes pushed her off key.

I liked the crying thing after she got voted off and her stopping to thank America. There’s something corny, genuine, and likeable about Brook White the personality. I’m also okay with listening to her music in limited amounts. I still wanted to know if anyone got her to see an R-rated movie.

David Archuleta: I get comments about my posts from time to time. One time, I brought down the wrath of Kellie Pickler nation after I compared her to Anna Nicole Smith because of the boob job (the Kellie fan was convinced that she hadn’t had one). Other times, someone will come along and persuade me to listen and watch the show a little differently. Last week this guy Brett C. came forward and slyly complimented my reviews then made a case for David Archuleta as a genuinely innovative singer from a musical standpoint. After all, I’d compared the kid to a musical blender that always made smoothies.

Neil Diamond might not have been the best test for that, but I did hear some of that in Sweet Caroline. Brett’s argument is that David blends pop and soul elements in some unique ways. I confess, I can hear that a little now that someone’s mentioned it to me. I’m still not sure that the guy connects emotionally (not many seventeen year olds do). For a kid ( I think at least one of his parents is an immigrant to the US) who might have a direct feel for a song like “America”, I’d argue that the personal connection didn’t make it into the song. Some of that is musical. Some of that is performance/presentation. On occasion, he’s talked about what some of the “idealistic” songs he’s sung have meant to him, but I’m not yet hearing it in the actual performance.

David Cook: That was a weird bit with Ryan talking about the station wagon and singing Neil. Are they seeing if David Cook might want to host the show some day? Last week, I was ready to send the guy off to sell CD’s. This week, I don’t much remember what he sang just that it was pretty good alt. rock takes on Neil Diamond songs. He didn’t transform either one nor did he penetrate them emotionally. Whatever one says about Neil Diamond’s songs, they’re definitely emotional.

Syesha Mercado: No matter how well she sings, the judges appear to say “That was well done, but it wasn’t amazing.” I confess that I sort of know what they mean. Ever since Andrew Lloyd Webber, Syesha and the judges have been putting her in the Broadway box. I see that. The best pop singers bring something of themselves into their music. Singers in musicals play roles. She clearly seems more comfortable doing the latter and I think she’s good at it. I thought she did well with Hello Again and for the most part avoided her self-imposed trap of trying to turn every song into a glory-noting screamfest at some point. She also unquestionably has a very nice voice. She doesn’t, however, have that little thing where you hear her and go “That’s got to be Syesha Mercado”.

I’d love to chat more , but I just found all these new channels on our Satellite Dish with some sort of Alien Dating Show. I think this one’s called A Shot At Love….Ooops, sorry my daughter’s telling me those aren’t aliens at all. Okay, here’s an alien dating show from a planet where all the life forms are silicone instead of carbon-based. I think it’s called Rock of Love.

Simon's first kiss lady apparently lives in my county.

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