Sunday, December 04, 2005

It's a "W" Life

This is my first scoop.  I was in the White House Bucks outlet store, the only business left other than Walmart in my mother’s town , when I found the following unmade movie script.  After some of the unfortunately negative press about the Lincoln Group and the stories about reporters in Iraq and the US, several promising projects were cancelled. It's a W life was written to help the president with his 30% approval rating.  Tim Burton was signed to direct and Bruce Willis was slated to play the lead.   The Sinclair Network was even set to broadcast the world premiere.  Apparently though the Capra estate was not happy about this modernized version of the popular Christmas movie and that held up and ultimately led to a cancellation of the production some unspecified reason.   

Scene 1
George B is standing on the southern edge of the 14th Street bridge waiting to ride off the side on his mountain bike.  His Uncle Dick  absent-mindedly forgot to deliver a critical payment to the Bank of China  and America has lost social security, Medicare, and all money for public schools.  A special prosecutor is threatening to indict George for lying about his war in Iraq.  George’s own children haven’t been seen in a year.  
Scene 2
At the Supreme Court of Heaven,  the angel Clarence (Morgan Freeman) who remains an apprentice still unable to participate in questioning during oral argument before the court, reviews George B’s life on videotape.

Scene 3

George B at nine years old in the Bush backyard.  George B. is lighting cats on fire and blowing up toads with firecrackers.  George’s mother Barbara appears.

BB:  George, you know that torture is wrong.

GB:  Mom, I was just making the backyard safe.  That cat was scaring all the birds and toads give people warts. Besides, if I didn't torture them in the backyard, they might come in the house and get in dad's pork rinds

The Angel Clarence nods and types this note,”Without  George B. torture wouldn’t be one of our weapons in the war on terror.”

Scene 4

George B is at an induction physical for the Air National Guard in Texas.

GB:  You know Doc, I hurt my left ear with a firecracker when I was a kid.  I really should be 4F

Doctor:  George, the Guard isn’t so bad.  You won’t even have to show up for duty a lot of the time.

GB:  But I won’t get to see the world.  

Doctor:  George, you went from 125th on the waiting list to second in just one day.  God must be telling you that you belong in the Guard.

GB:  But I hear they drug test.

Doctor:  Just don’t show up for the physical.

The Angel Clarence types another note “We would never have had a leader who knew so much about the horrors of war without George B.  Just imagine what would have happened if we wound up with someone who didn’t even earn all his purple hearts.”

Scene 5

It’s the Texas Rangers dugout.

Jose:  Hey Rafael meet me in the bathroom stall.

RP:  Sorry Jose, I’m not a switch hitter.

Jose:  Sammy and Juan are already doing it and they got big contracts.

RP: So that's why Sammy was asking me about corking his bat.

RP:  Doesn’t Mr. George know.  You know that way he looks you straight in the eye.

Jose:  Mr. George wants to be commissioner.  You think it’s going to bother him that we hit a few more home runs?

Just outside the dugout

GB:  Boy I’m glad I didn’t go into the B Savings and Loan with my brother Neal.  I decided to go straight instead with Harkin Oil.  

Chicago White Sox Owner:   Sure George, you’re a good guy.  God looks after good guys.  Btw.  Can I meet your dad one of these days?

GB:  Sure sure…Oh btw, you want Sammy Sosa for two minor leaguers to be named later?  

The angel Clarence is seen typing the following note:  “Wow if it weren’t for George B., Rafael Palmeiro would have retired with 375 homes runs and 2200 hits and Sammy Sosa might have never hit 30 home runs.  Too bad he never became commissioner. The Rangers do however make it to the World Series.

Scene 6

George B meets his wife Laura

LB:  George , you’re howling at the moon again.

GB:  (clearly drunk)  Hey Laura, wanna go for a drive.

LB:  I’m sorry George, I can’t go driving with you right now.

GB:  wanna sing ?

The two begin singing Buffalo Gals Won’t you come out tonight.

GB:  So Laura, (he wobbles) what do you want in life?

LB:  I’d like us to live in that old house on Pennsylvania Avenue and we can restore its dignity and honor.  (George is too drunk to hear her though)

GB:  Me, I’m going to travel.  Maybe work on a senate campaign in Alabama.   I’m going to get out of DC and make a killing in the business world.  

LB:  George B.  I love you.  I’m leaving for library school though, bye for now.

Angel Clarence types nothing.  He is scratching his head.  “Why would George B have married a librarian?”

Scene 7:

George B walks into his father’s office just as his father is having an argument with Mr. History, (played by Drew Barrymore) as the owner of George’s town’s biggest bank.

MH:  I’m sorry Mr. B, I can’t give you credit for invading Kuwait.  You might have run the war well, but what did you accomplish?  You were a dismal failure at home.  I’m tired of having you B’s run things.  You’re always a fiscal disaster.

GB sr:  We’re standing up for the little guy.  That’s what the B’s are about.  We always look after poor defenseless countries with significant oil reserves.

MH:  But you have no business plan.  What’s your objective here?  

GBJr walks into the room…

GB jr:  Now see here Mr. History.  My Dad’s work isn’t done.   I’ll finish his war for him.  

Angel Clarence is typing again.  “ I wish I could have read George’s dad’s lips there.  But without George B. we would have hunted down Osama Bin Laden instead of catching Saddam.!  Wow, just think where we’d be in the war on terror then.”

Scene 8:
George B is drunk and wandering the French Quarter of New Orleans.  He’s singing Buffalo Gals.

GB:  Laura is that you?

LB:  Yes, George.  I’m now a real librarian.

GB:  I think the capital there is Monrovia.

LB:  When we marry, I’m going to make you stop drinking and accept Christ instead.  

GB:  Whatever you say Laura. I’m not moving to Pennsylvania Avenue.  I’m leaving home.  I’m going off on my own to make a life away from my father.

He begins to push her away, then suddenly grabs her and starts kissing her passionately though not the way Al Gore kissed Tipper at the 2000 convention.

The Angel Clarence types “If George had not known New Orleans so well, he wouldn’t have been able to save almost half of it.  Also, much of Halliburton’s domestic operation wouldn’t have contracts there now.  All those stockholders would have lost money in 2005. We also would not have had a Christian in the Pennsylvania Ave. house.”

Scene 8:  Back to the 14th street bridge.  George is just about to ride his mountain bike over the side when he looks down to see the angel Clarence falling into the Potomac.

GB:  MMMmm….This is like Wilbur Mills and Fannie Fox..    Black people drowning….mmmm….Karl says my approval rating might go up if there’s a photo of me saving a black guy from drowning.  I don’t want to wind up like Teddy Kennedy here.

George B dives into the Potomac to save Clarence.  

GB:  What the hell are you doing you crazy *(&*&?

AC:  I jumped in to keep you from killing yourself.

GB:   So you made me jump in anyway?  That makes no sense.

AC:  Well, you’re not dead.

GB:  But I still wish I was dead.  You know like Carla Faye Tucker,

AC:  Did you really say “Don’t kill me please and then make choking sounds when you were considering her clemency request?”

GB:  Geez, I was just joking.  It’s hard work being governor of a major state.

AC:  Well, if you still want to die, let me show you what America would have been like without you.

Scene 9:

On a street in Houston.  A group of young adults is gathering on their lunch break.  

GB:  Who the heck are they?

AC:  They’re high school students who were forced to drop out of the 9th grade so Rod Paige could cook the books to show more kids were passing the tests.  You know they didn’t really track dropouts.

GB:  So they got jobs?

AC:  Well instead of dropping out or punishing their schools, the Democratic governor of Texas demanded that more resources be put into the Houston High Schools in reverse alphabetical order.  Most of them got school to career programs that gave them an incentive to graduate.

GB:  School to work is for communists.  Lynne Cheney told me that,

AC:  That’s right the Houston Public schools went communist without you and instead of serving in Iraq, these young adults are working at boring , low paying jobs.

Scene 10:

Outside a Federal Prison

GB:  Hey I know some of those guys, they helped me with my prescription drug plan for seniors.

AC:  That’s right George, they’re drug company lobbyists and executives.

GB:  What are they doing in prison?

AC:  Well they wound up getting regulated.  They were held responsible for putting dangerous pharmaceuticals on the market.  You weren’t around to lift sanctions and to make it harder for victims to sue.

GB:  Damn, I bet most of those guys have families to raise.  Instead of being in prison, they could have been donating money through Jack Abramoff.  

AC:  That’s right George, but you never existed.

Scene 11:  


GB:  Oh my God, there’s a statue of Saddam.

AC:  That’s right George, he’s still in power here.

GB:  Isn’t that Don Rumsfeld shaking hands with him.  And isn’t that my dad lending him 4 billion dollars?

AC:  Yes, but that was a long time ago.

GB:  Oh my god. Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction.

AC:  Well, actually he still doesn’t have Weapons of Mass Destruction without you.

GB:  Oh my god, he’s busy planning terrorist attacks with Al Qaeda.

AC:  Well George, to tell you the truth, he never had much of anything to do with Al Qaeda. You see, Saddam was a tyrant, but he was a secular tyrant.

GB:  He’s still torturing people and killing Iraqis.

AC:  Uh, well….to be perfectly honest….people are still being tortured in Iraq and more Iraqis have died in with you than were dying under Saddam.

GB:  But Saddam’s in power without me.

AC:  That’s right George and America has 280 billion dollars it would have spent on schools, curing cancer, paying for social security, and stuff like that. The US is stuck with allies like the French and Germans.  There are 2100 Americans who never got the honor of making the ultimate sacrifice for their country.  Cindy Sheehan’s home in Vacaville with her family.

GB:  I hate that woman. She almost singlehandedly ruined my approval rating.

AC:  Any number of terrorist suspects would never have had the opportunity to travel the world to secret destinations.  There’d be no Patriot Act to protect Laura in her libraries.  And the rabbits, tell me about the rabbits George

AC (does double take then takes a page out of script and crumples it) Damn, knew they shouldn't have used editors from Regnery Books to do continuity on this script.  

Gb:  And Uncle Dick would have nothing to do.  And that Valerie Plame wouldn’t have time to spend with her young family.  

Scene 12:

Ken Lay’s house

GB:  Wow this place is huge.  Why’s it for sale?

AC:  Ken Lay’s in prison.

GB:  Uncle Ken really?  

AC:  Without you, there’s still an SEC.  Uncle Ken got caught for insider trading.

GB:  like Bill Frist?

AC:  There’s Ken’s wife.  She’s forced to sell antiques now.

GB:  That’s so sad. I bet she’ll have to pay tax on it.

AC:  It’s bad, Those liberals make rich people pay taxes.  Poor Trent Lott can’t even rebuild his house.  

GB:  the shame..

AC:  Many wealthy Americans have actually had to go back to work without you.

GB:  Thus taking away jobs from the poor and middle class.

AC:  They even have an inheritance tax.

GB:  A double tax, the shame. There's no one to protect big business from the tyranny of the small business owner.  Uncle Ken! Uncle Ken!  It’s me George.

KL:  I gave a huge amount of money to a George B once, but after I got in trouble he claimed that I supported Anne Richards.  I even gave his friend Karl Rove 113 thousand dollars in Halliburton Stock.

GB:  Uncle Ken, don’t you know me anymore?

AC:  George, remember you don’t exist.  Al Gore was elected in 2000, remember he was the only candidate that year who talked about airport security improvement.  You got everyone to say how boring he was and to make fun of global warming.  So 9/11 never happened and neither did the South Pacific Tsunami or Katrina.

GB:  Oh my god?  You mean without me, American children are learning about evolution?

Angel Clarence shakes his head gravely.
AC:  They even let Terry Schiavo die all by herself and there were no demonstrators.  Women have reproductive choice.

GB:  Please, God.   Please, let me get out of this life.  I need to do something to make things the way they were so the unborn can be safe and Iraq can help us make the culture of life a reality.

GB and AC run toward the house on Pennsylvania Avenue. He opens the door and is met by all the members of the K street project who are filling a hat with money for George’s legal defense and singing for he’s a Jolly Good Fellow.

Jenna B rings a bell while Barbara B puts an Angel on top of the White House Christmas tree.  George B is met by Condaleeza Rice who is now his  wife.    Freeze shot of George B’s face.  

GB:  All I can say is it’s a W life.

Back at the Supreme Court, there’s a heated debate going on about something called Bush v. Gore.  The Angel Clarence not only speaks up during the discussion, he casts the deciding vote. A sound of a bell is heard and the screen goes dark.

postscript: In 1947, the FBI investigated the original version of It's a Wonderful Life for possible communist influences.
had FBI story link



At 12/05/2005 09:17:00 AM, Blogger benny06 said...

To quote John McEnroe, "you can't be serious!!" Yuck..I'm glad that project didn't go forward.

At 12/05/2005 10:03:00 AM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Geez, and here I was going to share the Lincoln Group's version of the Star War's with George B in the Annikin Skywalker role.

I didn't buy it at the White House dollar outlet store because it didn't include the Director's deleted scenes and commentary. Supposedly there's this great scene where George B does the "With us or against us" thing in this Pro-Sith version.

At 12/05/2005 11:47:00 AM, Blogger benny06 said...

Maybe I missed the humor...

At 12/05/2005 02:43:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

wow....One of the problems in today's world is what my friend pogblog calls the sursureality of the actual world. I know that over the last 5 years I've been witnessing my government do things that twenty years ago would have seemed totally implausilbe, e.g. the debate over whether torture should be permissible or the idea that one would insist that volunteer firmen should wait in Atlanta for a press briefing in the middle of a flood.
Anyway, I hope the surreal nature of the actual news was the reason that the "funny" part of this missed. Otherwise, I really messed up :}. Here I figured it was just because I made librarian jokes about George B's wife. I also realize that having Tim Burton do a Frank Capra remake isn't absurd to lots of people anymore or even having Bruce Willis play an old Jimmy Stewart par.t

fwiw, in the right hand column, I do categories via de.lic.ious and things that are intended to be funny are always listed under humor.

Morning Star,

I'd love to see some of your political blogging some time.
Many thanks for the scene by scene reaction. Getting comments on my blog of any kind are always kind of like a URL wrapped Christmas present, it's really quite a treat to see that someone has read any of my posts and enjoyed them.
It is much bettter than get spam comment posts about viagra or body part enlargement. When I get stuff like that I always worry that there's more known about me online than I realize. :}

At 12/05/2005 03:18:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Rod Paige was W's first secretary of education. When Paige was superintendent of schools in Houston while W was governor of Texas, there were several "miracle" reports about progress in the Houston schools because scores we're going up.
As it turned out, Houston high schools had been engaging in "force outs" of any students who might not pass the 10th grade proficiencies. In other words, they just never promoted iffy 9th graders to the 10th grade. Paige never directly asnwered questions about these allegations then quietly disappeared after the first term.

At 12/06/2005 05:15:00 PM, Blogger benny06 said...

No, librarian jokes don't bother me as long as they are made by "progressives" :-)

With your permission, I'd like to copy this into a word file, and re-read. As you suggest, I got lost somewhere....and I don't want to miss out on the humor!!!

At 12/06/2005 07:02:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

sure, no problem. though no need to "study" it....I don't expect everything I write to work with everyone.

At 12/07/2005 02:00:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cl, I want to have billboards in It's a W Life saying -- no, blinking neonilly -- $820,000 per minute for the Military Budget. $200,000 more per minute for the Iraq quagsand.

And I'd like a billboard saying, "Stay the STUPID course."

Just as subliminal set dressing.

cl, didn't you know that George is a bigamist!? He's married to both Laura and Condi. Everyone in DC knows. Camp David is a hot bed of -- well, hot beds I suppose one might say.

At 12/07/2005 01:34:00 PM, Blogger Chancelucky said...

Are there billboards in the original "It's a Wonderful Life"? I honesetly can't remember.

btw, for those who were wondering, the real W did apparently blow up frogs as a kid.

W and the Frogs link

I,of course, recently confessed to shooting a turkey with an airsoft gun as an adult, so I'm not sure blowing up frogs is quite like say waterboarding a detainee.


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